DiaBlog

a gradual curve

2008-10-22T23:37:00.001-04:00

logic and reason.
they are two forces by which i have so rarely been ruled. they float around my consciousness like so many bits of dust and debris; their influence more often overshadowed by the force of my heart. they beg me to go slowly, to take care, to think through each word before it leaves my lips.

but my heart works so much harder.
and my heart has so many other plans...

since the first day, since the first moment there was a clarity from which i couldn't disconnect, to which i couldn't relate any reason. and so instead of being patient and quiet, i memorized the sound of your voice, the shape of your hands, the movement of your eyes, the pauses in the conversation that were already striking me like lightning.

logic and reason dictate to us that these things take time. they take years to stretch and grow and ebb into a gradual curve. like old, silvercoated photographs that blacken in the natural light, things that happen too quickly can vanish just as quickly.

but...
my heart works so much harder.
and my heart has so many other plans...

never cut what can be untied

2008-10-12T20:14:00.001-04:00

it was somewhere between eastern quebec and edmunston where we lost an hour and i saw my first east coast sunset. the highway 2 runs through a section of new brunswick that is largely untouched and there was little to distract from the streaks of pink and orange that stretched across the horizon.

i find it hard to sit still at the best of times, if nineteen hours in a car teaches you anything, it's patience. the highway provides the ideal circumstance for a captive audience and so i sat sideways in the back seat and watched through the rear window.
perception... is such a funny thing, like every sunset that starts off as a full expanse that then focusses into a single point of light before flicking away like a light switch.

and like darkness blaming the absence of light for it's condition, those excuses that you carry around with you are little more than redundancies. the things you do and say, that move you along and fill up the hours of your day are written in your own ink and no one else's, whatever else you might claim.

i have a heart that's working all the time, feeding every inch of me and repairing reserves along the way for additional employers. i got a sense, from time to time, of your inability to do the same, of an alarming disconnection. bits of soul and light and thought and all of those internal organs like so many links of chain that wound themselves slowly into knots...a complicated mess to be sure- but believe me when i say...

you should never cut what can be untied.

the nature of recovery

2008-10-12T20:13:00.000-04:00

For my eleventh birthday, my Uncle gave me a book called, "A Glow in the Dark Guide to Decoding the Night Sky". The pages were filled with maps showing the movement of major constellations throughout the year. Since I was born in the early fall, my constellation was Virgo. Looking at that arrangement of stars, it was bewildering to me that someone could have ever deemed them to contain the shape of a woman. I remember standing outside that night with a flashlight, running my fingers over the raised dots and their eerie, chemical glow...trying to compare them to the bits of colourless, old light in the vastness above me. For the life of me, I couldn't find that damn constellation and I guess you could say that it was my first lesson in that happy, old adage, "just because something looks good on paper..."

Every year since then, on my birthday, I go outside and look for it. Admittedly, I've never actually found it, but I've learned to be satisfied in simply knowing that on this day the sky looks, and will always look, exactly as it did the first night I arrived underneath it.

When I moved to Hamilton, the stars seemed to burn further away from me. The lights of the city suffocated their glow and so, two days after my eighteenth birthday, I had the shape of the constellation tattooed on my back. I know it isn't the same thing as finding it for myself, but being able to feel the ridges of colourful scar tissue with my own hands offers, if anything, a comforting familiarity.

It's funny, this mass fascination we have with looking above- be it to the stars or something greater- for comfort, for familiarity, for explanations. In a way, we're biologically predisposed to it. After all, eyes are designed to look in every direction but inward. It so wonderfully facilitates the laying of blame elsewhere, the avoidance of self-analysis and accountability.

Today, I'm twenty-five. For fourteen years, I've attached so much meaning to this constellation. I have a history with it, with looking for it, with wondering how much of me would be different if it were different. If I were born two months earlier, would I understand you better? Would I have learned, as you have, to detach my heart from the rest of my body in order to meet some physical need? Would I have traded in my present attachment to human emotions in order to regard people as disposable and interchangeable? Maybe I would have been less naive, less willing. Maybe I would have cared less, shared less, worn less of myself on your sleeve.

But maybe not.
Maybe there is nothing in me that was destined by my birthday. Maybe I would have been exactly as I am now, only two months older.

Now, despite earlier evidence, earlier symptoms of intelligence, every inch of your disregard is coming out of the woodwork, and as prescriptive as it may seem, your eyes could certainly stand some inward gazing.

And I know... we are who we are who we are, but at the risk of sounding completely ironic, you can't tell me it was written in the stars...

like some desert mirage

2008-07-17T20:31:00.002-04:00

time flies.

that midpoint benchmark of summer has passed with little notice, save for the recent glut of smog advisory warnings and the freezer at shopper's drug mart being perpetually sold out of creamsicles. a tragedy of greek proportions, to be sure.

weather.

it has the strangest effects on people.

gets me thinking it's a good idea to walk around outside when it's so hot out that waves of heat cause a glare on the pavement which wrinkles and folds before me like some desert mirage.

city heat has a completely different feel than country heat and even after the years and years that i've spent here, i've never truly adjusted. all those miles and miles of cement landscape magnifying and melting the wads of discarded gum into sticky piles of peppermint and aspartame that ooze their way into sewer drains.

city heat.

it slows the blood in your veins, causing you to move around in half-time and extend every breath into a sigh... causing you to lay awake at night making plans...

the first line drawn

2008-07-11T23:28:00.002-04:00

i'm prone to nightmares.
things have a way of staying on my mind and multiplying in my sleep and that's why i don't watch horror movies, talk about growing old or read the toronto sun.

the littlest things...

i have this recurring one that never feels very nightmare-ish at the time, but when i wake up from it my heart is constricted from agitation and my hair feels softened and damp against the pillowcase and i am utterly terrorized. it's the kind of thing that she warned me wouldn't cease without due attention to the issues from which it stems- but as ever- i would rather chainsmoke and talk about something else.

it's the middle of the night- but i'm somewhere so far north that those rays of seemingly perpetual sunlight fall down all around me, in their perplexing unnaturalness. i am so caught up by it, then when he first sits down next to me i don't notice that he's wearing the wrong glasses. not the semi-rimless ones that i flicked cigarette ash over when i was leaving but the thick-rimmed ones he had when we first met, the really expensive ones that benny later chewed the left arm off of.

i'm never upset that he's there, but i do generally say something like, "i always knew the english were bastards." and he is never really offended by that because he secretly concedes that it's true. and he always says at some point that he's a "philosopher". and i laugh so loudly and outrageously that people stare and mumble about canadian manners and i think to myself about how sick i sometimes am of europeans. and he says, "economics and philosophy aren't so different..."

and i am incredulous.
and i am laughing in a way that makes me think that i will never stop laughing, but then he grabs me by the wrist and says, "i've said a million times that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. but you never get it, little girl, and you never see it coming. i'm not the last well you'll fall down, i'm just the first line drawn".

and i say, "those aren't your glasses..."

and i wake up.
and i hum the live version of 'out of range' by ani difranco.
and i write down what i remember of those incongruous statements and stick them to the wall and pretend that later i will give them some proper consideration because i know that they're really my own incongruous statements but like so many ostriches before me i just bury my head in the sand and return to bed.

it was around this time last year that we had a conversation about bad habits. about why people continously subject themselves to horrible situations even though they know that they're resigning themselves to a life of misery and insecurity. he said, "pain is intoxicating. destruction is intoxicating. and once you're wrapped up in it, it's harder than it looks to downshift back into normalcy. people sabotage normalcy because madness makes you feel so much more alive".
and i disagreed vehemently.
and i was oblivious to my own adherences to that philosophy.

and now, for all of the time i spent convincing myself that it was an anomaly and not a life long addiction, it just seems all the more tragic that i'm continuing to usurp myself in my sleep.

well...

just like a siren singing me to shipwreck, there is something about that kind of chaos that is both seductive and hollowing, even i can admit. but at some point, we have to decide to wake up.

when i say that i know
about indecision,
frailty and unease...
it isn't permission.
it isn't an invitation.
it's a warning.
just a claim laid
to understanding.

something so divided

2007-10-18T23:18:00.000-04:00

it's that time of year again.

that time that i live for when the air is chilled and scented and wet with decay. i walk around my neighbourhood at night just letting my skin absorb it all. this change of season always leaves me feeling a little divided. it has to do with being a fall baby, i think. this strange sense of entitlement rolls over me in waves and i start to feel like everything belongs to me and desire claws its way into my bones and commandeers my thoughts. the fog flattens my hair and mats it against my forehead and i want new hair. my apartment feels damp and basement-y and i want a new apartment. my clothes feel worn out and foreign and i want new clothes.

and he's there...lurking in the corners, winking at me, telling me black is the new black is the new black is the new black, that he is and he IS and if i hurry i might still find him in someone before winter hits and i just settle in with my eyes shut and my heart boxed and my soul on simmer until next fall.

live your life like you're one

on sylvia plath and daniel day lewis

2007-09-18T15:10:00.000-04:00

i hear that one of the marks of the onset of depression is a decline in personal hygeine. as i understand it, the common claim (of the depressed) is that it feels pointless to get oneself up in the morning and wash their bodies or their hair or their clothes when they'll only have to do the very same thing all over again the following morning. the action has no real meaning, as it requires such repitition- getting up and doing it the following day in some way indicates that performing the action the previous day was meaningless in the long term, as though that day had never happened at all. the whole tedius affair, they say, is enough to make a person suicidal- if they aren't already.

i think, however, that a more alarming characteristic is the sort who takes the most immaculate care of their appearance. they're harder to pluck out and examine because they blend in so well. and that's the idea, after all. they put in that extra effort so that no one will catch them. there are those who seek healing and there are those who mask disease with hair and makeup and fake tans.

why though?

why not seek healing?

healing. healing is such an abstract concept. to one person it could indicate a salvation, a freedom from darkness but to another- it's something altogether different.

a burden. the burden of light. and of lightness of being.

to many- lightness of being is the death of creativity. after all, you can't be a tortured artist if you're not tortured. and there is a need. there is a selfishness. there is a desire to hold onto it in order to set yourself apart.

and so you go on- traversing in and alongside these dizzying lines and formulae and outwardly, you're one of them- ironed out and painted and propped up in high heels but inwardly- you've set yourself apart. and they float and dance above you, ethereal and mindless like so many mayflies sprung forth from the sea in springtime.

but not you.

you, who lays in wait underground to one day lay in wait underground. you, who balks at the idea of healing because in your secret heart, you know that lifelong depression is the warm blanket that wraps around you- that holds you to the earth like so much gravity. and you go on because you know that that kind of darkness is the only thing that will always be familiar to you where all other things will come and go. and you go on because you know that the minute you stop washing your hair, someone is going to come along and impose a cure on you. and you go on because you know what that would rob you of and what it would leave behind:

that unbearable lightness of being.

that trailer trash pedigree is callin'

2007-08-13T19:07:00.000-04:00

for the love of zeus- where've i been?

here, right here. there, and elsewhere.

broke it off, worked it out, swam in a lake, swam in a pool, laid out in the sun, tanned under the neon lights of the bar, went to england, stayed up all night drinking, slept all day, got sick, got better, sang some karaoke, practised in the shower, signed some school forms, wasted some time on facebook

and to cap it all off, like it needed to be capped off

matthew good released a new album just to dry any tears in my eyes.

it's called hospital music.
it's beautiful.
buy it.
buy it and support my need for speed*

*by speed i actually mean more mg, naturally.

coffee black and egg white pull me out from inside i am ready i am ready i am ready i am fine

2007-06-22T16:25:00.000-04:00

colour is for the birds, anyway.

Matt Good Rants - Tits and ass

2007-06-08T15:07:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, whilst driving to the grocery store, I heard MG's new song 'born losers'. It's off of his upcoming album, 'hospital music'. The song is fantastic and fully satisfies my ever present need to hear new music by this man. Anyway, it got me thinking about a series called Matt Rants that was broadcast on MUCHMUSIC a few years back. This one is by far my favourite.

ahhh, MG - how i love thee.

don't hold me up now, i can stand my own ground, i don't need your help now, you won't let me down, down down

2007-06-01T20:37:00.001-04:00

it's that sinking feeling.
that constant reminder of what is and what isn't.
to be back here. in this place, this space that i searched for as a way out of where i was and into you.

what a comfort it was to me then, when i would look around and reflect on why i came here and what i left and the endless reasons of why i could and should be happy now.

had me some plans. like so many plans, as it turned out- they just looked good on paper.

and i used to write to you that your pillows were more comfortable than mine.
and you used to say that perception is a funny thing.

this apartment became a waiting room of sorts, where i picked up things or dropped off things- always on my way to see you. and i would let carton after carton of milk spoil in the fridge, unopened, in the meantime. i never made a home here because it always felt so temporary.

so i left the walls unpainted and the cupboards empty and though you never spent a single night here with me- i feel these walls close in on me now like a strangler whose hands have found a neck. each day, at varying intensities, your breath keeps blowing my curtains around and the steady drum of your heartbeat shakes the pictures from my walls.

i wonder if i should move, but that, too, feels pointless.

now the voice in my head says to let it pass. she says to tear out the pages where i wrote down our children's names- that it was bad luck anyway- and put those photos away in a drawer. she says that cigarettes are not food, though i don't feel nourishment from much else.

and i used to write that your pillows were more comfortable than mine.
and you used to say, 'don't forget the fit'.

the things
the things we do just to stay alive.

sunshine and lollipops

2007-05-18T10:38:00.000-04:00

today the sun is shining and as i sat down to do a little coffee sipping/chainsmoking in the sun room, it occurred to me that it's been an embarrassing length of time since i last blogged.

ahh, i remember the days when blogging filled my every waking moment (and even some of my sleeping ones, egad!). from the strange to the mundane, daily occurances all seemed worthy of gracing the page. see a film: blog it, whip some cream for too long and turn it into butter: blog it, make cookies out of said butter: blog it, get a puppy: oh you bet i blogged that.

benny is marvelous by the way.

so i was thinking about what it was that must have happened to dampen a once firey addiction like blogging into the rare dabble it has become. (well i GUESS i'll go and blog something...you know...for my public and all....eeeeeeesh)

well don't worry.

i vow to now spend 1/10 of my facebook time back here on blogger. ostensibly to blog about facebook, but nevermind that.

hey listen- a post is a post.

sniff ya later.

except the little fish, but they told me he swears

2007-04-25T15:47:00.000-04:00

facebook has taken over my life

skippy, in case you were wondering

2007-03-28T11:54:00.000-04:00

dear, oh dear, it has be eons since i last posted.

my apologies.

when i first set out on my own last december without a computer or internet access, i truly thought that my vivacious drive to blog would carry me through. however, a year and a half later it seems that i'm now in need of some serious blogger viagra.

the good news, is that now spring has sprung (thank jebus) and so i now have fewer reasons to talk myself out of walking to the internet cafe in favour of chain-smoking and drinking bottle after bottle of nantucket nectars pomegranet pear flavour juice(even though it truly IS the nectar of the gods).

to kick off my return to blogland, i leave you with this random thought:

one of my very favourite things is the first finger scoop of peanut butter. when i am having a particularly rough day, it helps to open up a new jar of peanut butter; gaze upon the perfectly smooth, undisturbed, just-left-the-peanut-butter-factory freshness and then stick my finger in the middle of it. whenever i buy a jar of peanut butter it's always tough to not go straight for it when i get home, but i stave off the temptation by reminding myself that it's better to save it for later- when i might really, really, really need it.

sniff ya later

"...and poured himself liquid through the sunrise streets."

2007-02-07T00:46:00.000-05:00

i have a habitual first line.

"i had me a dream..."

maybe you've noticed how frequently i use it. or maybe not- which is the idea - to be so sublime. it's funny to reflect on how often i've started these with that same line. as if to illuminate this feeling i have that such things are more acceptable if conjured up subconsciously. in many ways, it eliminates accountability. conscious thoughts carry weight and consquence- they're too inviting and vulnerable. and think! of all the times someone has said to you, "why would you think that?" countless. and then all of the times that someone has said "why would you dream that?" likely never. it's because we're not responsible for what we dream. it's out of our control.

and so...

i had me a dream...

where i stood and bore witness to you melting into a pool of limbs and sinew that hardened and formed and tangled and penetrated. that held you like roots and tied and realized that you could not be satisfied until you were tied to the earth- through the floors of your cave. and all around, the history of your life was painted on its walls. and to see you there- i would take up a brush and ink and i would change the names of faces and places and leave no trace of that caved existance so that no other could recognize or lay claim to that life lived. and as you stretched and grew, i would trim your branches and rake your leaves and harvest your fruit. and while your roots thickened and reached down deeper for nourishment in underground waterways, i would sit beneath you, smoking cigarettes and i would tell you the history of my life. of my thoughts as real thoughts and not dreams. to the place where i at once folded those minutes together and set you apart. at first, cloudy upon reflection. impossible and altered and covered in dust that would have invarriably settled. and from there, recall the seeds that collected and grew like weeds into that initial pull. that wish to be stained by an ink that goes deeper. like those rhythmic raised dots of braille in their intensely foreign language. and lay in wait for the sensitive fingertips that could receive and decipher such code. and that i wanted to be that patient and that willing. to set someone apart and be set apart. and the grief of being torn apart instead. nothing novel, but to shift and rearrange as if to say, 'this one too'. and you would sway and creak and the weight of such breath would bring you down. and i would aimlessly but tirelessly count your rings- not to win or even wish or to prove a point.
but just to say
that i have secrets too.

Benny

2007-02-01T00:14:00.000-05:00

i'm like harriet the spy

2007-01-08T16:01:00.000-05:00

so.

several months ago i thought it would be fun to post a profile on one of those endlessly entertaining dating sites. the glorious prospect of blog fodder alone was too tempting to pass up and thus, diadima: eco-vixen was born. it was absurdly amusing for a while but then i sort of forgot about it. i checked in again earlier today only to find that my inbox was bursting with every kind of shitty one-liner, each with a varrying grasp of the english language. a few took the time and effort to construct multiple sentences claiming they were charming or animal lovers or adventurous; many mention they're looking for 'friendship first' or 'casual fun' and a few even went so far as include their phone numbers along with the suggestion that if i don't believe i've found my soulmate after browsing through their q&a, then my 'eyes and heart must both be closed to the possibility of true love'.

behold the gem: i call it, 'a letter from borat' or 'let's make a sexytime!'

hi
How are you? I'm Emil from Baku , It's near the Turkey, I'm 27 yearold single man. You are very beautiful, sexy lady , very very beatiful, I like you I would like to be your friend, please if you will get this mail please send me mesege, if you want, I will give more detail about myself, I think I will be happy with you
For me its hard to describe myself But I will try to write something about my character, wishes and so
I love art, and music, and books, and movies, and interesting conversations, and all kinds of other things that you could guess about pretty much everybody...
I am a caring romantic, guy that loves to kiss to hold to touch and love to make love
I am not the best man you ever meet but the most honest and one that will care for you with all of my heart dedicated and loyal
No bad habits, only smoke and only drink about 5-10 times a year.
My friends tell me I'm very friendly, easy-going, handsome and very romantic guy
I live in Baku with my parents,and 2 sisters.
I am now looking for a dear and kind, intelligent, beautiful and sexy Lady for a lifelong partnership in mutual understanding and respect to eachother in which then the words honesty,trust and faithfulness should be as important as the imaginative,tender and variant eroticism without wrong shame and inhibitions.
In our culture marriage means a (life long) relationship/commitement to stay together throught the whole life and I am looking for that.I'm ready to love only my soulmate through my whole life.I also expect same from my furure soulmate. I'm looking for the person having the same characters of mine.I want to have my real partner with all my heart.Like me she should be simple by manner, simple by nature and simple by thinking, having good sence of humore, shy, good looking. She should be Looking for confientail + real friendship or more
I hope you will be my solemate without doubt . Bye, I'm waiting for your letter

i suppose in some ways, i should feel bad about shamlessly posting some poor soul's heartfelt message to me...but for the love of jebus, it was just too money.

it's not about STUFF, it's about MOMENTS, BEAUTY and LOVE

2006-12-24T10:36:00.000-05:00

hi friends,

this is a little chrismas message from auntie dia...

i hope that everyone is enjoying their holiday season in their respective countries and finding the time to chill a little amidst the usual frenzy.

i have to admit, i'm not feeling all that christmasy this year. for the first time in ages, there isn't a flake of snow on the ground. i guess it could work to my advantage at greenpeace when people try to tell me that global warming is just a farce, but all the same... no snow = diminished holiday spirit. so i guess it's a combination of the weather (or lackthereof), my mom being on holiday in mexico and paul being back home in england for the holidays that have caused me to just sort of skip everything. mostly it's my own lack of effort by not getting a tree, putting up any decorations, listening to any christmas carols or drinking adequate amounts of egg nog. on the up side, i plan to remedy most of that this afternoon when my family has our christmas celebration. there, i can participate in all of the above and hopefully latch onto a little last minute spirit.

amusing thing of note:

for some reason, whenever i buy anything for myself at this time of year, i always say yes to the gift receipt even though it's entirely unnecessary. otherwise, i feel too guilty, or that the clerk will silently judge/pity me.

ah, christmas. a good time for reflection.

this is not a lovesong, it's a sonnet and damn it feels good to have people down on it

2006-11-25T22:05:00.000-05:00

just a couple things

1. in light of the whole britney thing, peeps keep talking about the so-called sex video and such. well, i read an article in the 'paper' the other day stating that it could be britney's entourage behind the whole thing since it was so good for paris hilton's career, or- excuse me... 'career'. it just kills me how they call paris hilton's existence a career. i remember when that sex tape hit the net and everyone was all "ooooooooh, paris hilton doing it!!! ooooh, oh my god!". i recall thinking to myself, who the fuck is paris hilton and why does anyone give a shit?!
now here we are four or so years later and she's got a 'career' and everyone is all like "oh shizz, paris is so HAWT, did everyone see the latest picture of her breast/snatch/bad outfit!!!! ooooooh, oh my god!". and i'm thinking to myself, who the fuck is paris hilton and why does anyone give a shit?!

2. to all those people who feel a burning burning urge to fling various food-type litter out of their car windows (i.e.. chocolate bar wrappers, half eaten pizza crusts, big gulp containers, etc), stop that shit before i hunt you and your litter-loving progeny down and cut y'all stem to stern. seriously. two days ago i had to pull a rancid chicken wing bone out of my dog's throat lest it should splinter and lodge in his digestive tract leading to emergency surgery. there are garbage bins all over the city and thus no excuses for this kind of behaviour.

3. for the love of god, will someone please save brandon flowers from himself? i love the new killers album, tis currently rocking my world in a big, bad way. and yet, every time he opens his mouth it's all i can to just to resist the urge to slap a muzzle on his spoiled brat ass. (i say ass because that's what he apparently talks out of). recently, brandon has claimed that radiohead frontman thom yorke is washed up and furthermore, that he puts sam's town up against ok computer along with any one of u2's albums. in another interview, he said not only is it the best record he's ever made, but the best record ever made period. excuse moi, but it looks to me as though this is one mormon cowboy who's grown a bit too burly for his leather chaps.

and finally...

an open letter of apology to the poor cab driver from wednesday night:

i'm really sorry that i vomitted in your cab. first it was just in my mouth and i tried to hold it in, but then i thought there might be more, so i let it out. mostly it just went all down the front of my wool coat, but there may have been a small issue of leakage onto the seat/floor. i didn't even drink that much but i suppose that my current emotional state exacerbated the effects of the alcohol. also, i am aware that this is the second time this has happened in less than three months and so i thank you for your kindness as well as for pretending not to notice the smell.

signed,

adria

nobody ever pulls the seams around here

2006-11-23T23:52:00.000-05:00

one day into the next day, another day like today or the day before, the day before yesterday, they're all the same.

i wish i was the kind of person who just didn't give a fuck. i'd like to try that hat on for a day, just for kicks, that 'i just don't give a fuck' hat; it's so hip and seems to go with everything. i've never been one to stay up on the trends but maybe this time i'll hop on the bandwagon. then i can feel free to walk around in my own little bubble littering, lying, complaining about the canadian government, judging everyone around me and emotionally abusing those closest to me and if anyone has anything to say about it i can just point to the hat and say, 'pshhh, man i don't give a fuck , can't you see the hat?"

oh well.
enough of that tirade.
what i really want anyway is just to not be so angry anymore so i can get on with my life.

i had more, but i'm kind of exhausted.

not blogging is the new blogging

2006-11-21T20:52:00.000-05:00

it's a momentous occasion.

this marks my 200th post. that seemed pretty rad to me earlier today and i spent a lot of time pondering what i might write about for just such an event. then i happened to read that ubie has just published her 2000th post which makes 200 look like...well...i guess, roughly 10 times fewer posts. in recognition of her major feat and my minor one, all props to ubie shall be in caps and all props to me in lower case possibly with the allowance of a smaller font/italics as follows:

PROPS to ubie
props to dia

on to the post.

the human condition never ceases to amaze me. its layers are seemingly endless and always capable of escalating to unseen heights or unimaginable lows. what's even more miraculous is our inventive nature. given enough time and emotional attachment, i have the ability to take even the coldest and most self-involved of souls and convince myself that there is depth and general good-heartedness there. my mother has always maintained that i live in a dream world. in such a world, imagination is king and the resulting effects have often led me to heartache. some days it's my superpower, but these days it's just good, old-fashioned hubris.

i know what you might say. that it's karma or some equivalent, as then it lays the blame elsewhere- but then again, tomorrow you'll feel differently and then the next day and the day after that. yours are the sort of feelings that change like the weather, too shallow at the roots to be held onto for any length of time. not at all what i expected, and even as it all came to light- still i pretended not to notice. a year later, i'm nothing if not ashamed at the way i deluded myself. i can't think of an explanation for it now, but at the time i was deafened by the softness of your voice and what i imagined was held beyond.

"...too late, too late, too late. ever since the first day you held me by the waist and said, 'careful...or we'll get attached'. but it's too late. too late. and i'll never be the same..."

but you...you're just a lyric now. no deeper than the ink nor the paper on which you're written.

benny says hi

2006-11-20T18:32:00.000-05:00

just our hands clasped so tight waiting for the hint of a spark

2006-11-19T20:11:00.000-05:00

so saskatoon was a blast (a blast of freezing cold). 47 hours on the bus (good god) was slightly excessive, but i managed to sleep a lot (drugs).

seriously though- i like this country, and it was nice to get an up close and personal viewing of it. it's good for bonding. also, it was marvelous to see emily, who was my only friend (tear) and whom i've only just recently forgiven for up and deserting me for the prairies. to be fair, she has met a nice boy there and has finally found a circle of people who will not shame her for wearing the plaid lumberjack coat in public places. so i guess it wasn't all for naught.

in other news, just when i thought that benny was finally housebroken, he started peeing on the floor again. two days ago. it's so exasperating. is my lot in life really meant to be one of cleaning up dog pee for an eternity?

i mean, come on.

The coast disappeared when the sea drowned the sun
And I knew no words to share with anyone
The boundaries of language I quietly cursed
And all the different names for the same thing

notes from the road

2006-10-28T22:45:00.000-04:00

my last post didn't load apparently. rather irritating, but nonetheless, i'm here now so you can all dry your eyes.

i'm in the midst of transit at the moment. i'm about halfway through my bus trip to saskatoon. you may remember that i went on a roadtrip to calgary back in june with miss emily. since then, miss emily has relocated once more to saskatoon. saskawho? yes, i know. it's far. it's remote. there's not much to do there. all i can say is that there had better be alcohol...and vast quantities at that, when i arrive tomorrow evening. it's a 45 hour bus trip via canada's famed highway one. it's been pretty smooth thus far. sleeping is a bit of a problem- but otherwise, i'm having a good time considering the means of travel. canada is a beautiful country, i must admit.

right now i'm just checking in from thunder bay. it's been over 20 hours just to get this far, but apparently, it's pretty rapid the rest of the way. we should be in winnipeg by mid-morning and in saskatoon by tomorrow evening, at which time i will sleep the sleep that is normally reserved for babies alone.

until then...

the daily grind

2006-09-28T22:32:00.000-04:00

not much to write home about these days, but since i'm at the internet cafe, i figured i might as well check in.

i haven't been doing a lot aside from working. things are busy lately- and it seems like i'm not getting much else done. i found some milk in the back of my fridge yesterday that was as solid as a brick and when i tried to pour it down the drain, it make this vile sludgy sound as bits of it peeled away from the solid section and plopped into the sink. the expiriation date was july 23. what can i say...haven't looked in my fridge in a while, it would seem.
i also found some butter that has been in there since i moved in. there's no expiration date on the butter, so i'm wondering how long butter stays good for. it's been nine months- i guess i should just throw it out, but i want to find out for sure first. waste not, want not and all that.

i'd like to announce that benny has now mastered sit, lay down, roll over and shake-a-paw. he's a damn genius, he is.

that's it for now.

tomorrow i get to be field manager for greenpeace, i'll let you know how my first day of added responsibility goes. try not to fall off of the edge of your seats waiting.

stay green...peace!

first words and last words

2006-09-23T22:52:00.000-04:00

were she here, emily would raise an eyebrow to me for thinking the following...

i really didn't think i'd be here again.

i thought i was past being here again.

i can't think of a worse day off.
for all it got me, i should have worked. then i wouldn't be here. in this place. in this space. in this state of confusion. with this upset stomach.

just one of those days.
from the start, things weren't right- and by the end they were worse. the kind of day that blindsides you. the kind of words that blindside you.

in university, i had an english professor who was fixated on opening and closing lines of plays. first and last words. she thought there was so much meaning to unearth in them. admittedly, it was really interesting to discuss the correlation.

although i can't recall the first words right now...the last ones tonight were along the lines of, 'you think you're the fucking princess and the pea...'

but i don't.
i never have.
and if anything, i thought you would know it by now.

evening out + boredom reigns = double post

2006-09-22T00:23:00.000-04:00

ah, remember the days of regular double-posting? just when you all thought those days were over what with the no internet access and all, and yet i suprise you thus. oh me, so full of surprises.

here and now.

things move quickly. lately i've been too caught up to notice much of what's happening around me other than the sheer velocity. in light of this, i've decided it's time to record some random thoughts before they pass me by.

1. this internet cafe is a thousand degrees.

2. i wish i was better at teaching people about greenpeace. at this point i just can't understand how anyone can close the door on me. it's as though people think we're lying about the state of the environment- which is so utterly senseless that i simply cannot grasp it.

3. i think i am addicted to lemon-lime gatorade. delicious genetically engineered lemon-lime gatorade...help!

4. i'm afraid that my dog will never be housebroken because i'm too defficient to train him properly.

5. this internet cafe is a thousand degrees.

6. i'm concerned about you never admitting to any concrete feeling. it's a constant source of dehabilitating insecurity for me, the likes of which i'll likely never fully explain to you.

7. i (almost) never apologize and i sometimes wonder what that says about my character.

8. earlier in the week i met a customer at the west town who said that faces haunt him. he said he recognized me from somewhere but couldn't remember where- and so my face was one of the haunting faces. i saw him again two days later when i canvassed his door and he held his arm outstretched pointing at me, saying "it's you!".

9. the last kiss has opened and i want to go and see it.

10. this internet cafe is a thousand degrees.

here and now- it's dizzying.

time flies

2006-09-21T22:45:00.000-04:00

work work work, so it goes.

thanks to everyone for the fantastic birthday wishes- to be so loved...le sigh.

my birthday went much nicer than my barfday. i had a prosperous evening of greenpeace fundraising followed by an enormously enjoyable evening of getting drunk with the lovely miss katrina devine.

since then, it's just been work and more work. seven days a week is beginning to really tire me out but it will all be worth it when i have a car to get around in.

until then...

please go to greenpeace international to become a member today. we need your suuport in order to continue working toward a green and peaceful future. plus- you get a cool greenpeace t-shirt. a healthy planet and a t-shirt, what more could we ask for?

deli-cinq

2006-09-07T11:19:00.000-04:00

so tuesday was training day with greenpeace.

it was five hours of learning about greenpeace's causes, campaigns, successes and history. it was just so much information in one shot that i was completely exhausted by the end of it. i felt really energized throughout the process but as soon as i stepped outside to go home i just wanted to pass out in the grass and sleep for many many hours.

yesterday wasn't so smooth.

everything was fine all day. i was fine all day. went to work- we talked about what you say to people when you approach them and how to read body language. fine. we got ready to head out. fine. i watched and listened and learned a lot from the girl i was working with. fine, fine, fine. then, a few hours into it, i got this really intense headache that started off bad and worsened over about an hour. eventually, i was so nauseous from it that i had to go home. here's the fun part: about halfway home- i threw up in the cab. it was magical. i asked monsieur cabby to pull over so that i could continue throwing up on the street as the bewildered pedestrians passed me by.

eesh.

i hope tonight goes a little more smoothly.

23 years old today, i am

he doesn't look a thing like jesus

2006-09-01T19:28:00.000-04:00

but he talks like a gentleman
like you imagined when
you were young

today is my last day of work freedom.
starting tomorrow- i won't have another day off until december. in some ways i'm actually looking forward to this as more of a salvation than a prison sentence.

a bit shocking even to me, but you see, for people like me idle hands are the devil's playthings. i have to be consistently focused on doing various tasks to prevent the thing i despise most- being alone with myself. it's a sad to see that in print, but all the same- there it is. i feel that there would be a chance of it becomming less true if i were doing something that i thought was worthwhile. in many ways, it's already beginning. i have benny now- and he's the world to me. it's funny how he gives me so much more than i give him and they ask so little, which is wildly refreshing. i highly reccommend getting a dog to anyone who has the time/funds/inclination.

also i have this greenpeace job now. it starts on tuesday which is equal parts exhilarating and terrifying. exhilarating to be doing something other than polluting people with alcohol and shitty food; but also terrifying because it will require much more of me than polluting people with alcohol and shitty food. work has been a mechanical function for me for so many years now that the prospect of using my brain again is somewhat worrisome. fretting about that is also worrisome- as one might imagine. why would i be worried about using my brain again? mostly because failing when you actually care/try is far worse than failing at a perfect 1/2 inch head on a pint.

it's just that i feel that i'm failing at so many other things at this point in my life that a little success at this could go a long way. so i hope for it. but i try not to hope for it because that always turns out to be exactly the point at which the wheels fall off the wagon. if i could only comfortably explain how applicable that has been in my life. instead, a cliche for your viewing pleasure...

there's a thin line between love and hate

used to be time was crucial

2006-08-31T20:42:00.000-04:00

august 31.
where in the hell did the summer go?
what the hell was i doing all this time?

it couldn't have been nothing. but it feels like nothing- now that it's gone.

the end of summer always turns into a time of inventory- what with my birthday a week away and all. last year it was pretty grim. an unprecedented weight gain, another fall without returning to school, the seeds of another failed relationship looming in the midst with a mixture of baseless excuses explaining each thrown in for measure.

at least this fall holds what the last was most lacking: possibility.

i'm optimistic.

and all the gold dust in your eyes will reform into rain

oh these little earthquakes- doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

2006-08-26T22:52:00.000-04:00

i can't wrap my mind around it. i cannot understand. regardless of the angle of my approach- each time i end up defeated. each time i am further from it. one minute i'm telling myself that these depths of depravity are merely a chimera of my imagination and the next, i feel suffocated by what i am convinced is an impasse.

too many sharks
too many razor sharp rocks
too many ways to bleed to death
all nestled along your shore.

and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate disintegration

it's these moments of tremendous indecision- wild disbelief at my persistent desire to project- that have me taking inventory of all my obsessions with moral cleanliness. i wonder if its not so much that i confused purity with impurity but rather that i confused purity with novelty. the decay of both are painful for me- but surely, neither could be more painful than giving up. i'm too far gone for the simpler route at this point. far too deep in the woods to ever consider wandering out of my own volition.

i wish history wasn't so haunting.

i wish i was more secure.

i wish you were more convincing.

just when i begin to think there's no chance- you look at me sideways, and in a voice that doesn't sound like your own, say
"why walk when you can take a cab?"
and i wonder if you really believe that to be true.
and i wonder if i'll ever stop thinking that there's still a chance.

i got the job at greenpeace.

litterbugs giveth and greenpeace taketh away

2006-08-21T21:31:00.000-04:00

so i got a phone call from greenpeace today saying that my application was hilarious and that they'd like to schedule an interview with me right away. see, i decided that it would be more entertaining if i wrote down true answers to their questions instead of boring ones and it seems to have paid off. at points, i wasn't sure if i was crossing the line from them finding me funny to them questioning my sobriety, but it looks to have paid off.

the interview is wednesday.

that gives me only two more days to purchase and break in a pair of birks. it'll be a squeaker- but i was think i could do it. or maybe if i don't shave my legs in the meantime, it might draw the attention away.

wish me luck.

been tucked in your pocket for the last hundred days and when i don't get my bath i take it out on the slaves

2006-08-18T22:45:00.000-04:00

so i applied for a job at greenpeace today.

i know what you're all thinking.
i was thinking it too.

but don't worry, dear friends. i'm not about to relinquish the magically cleansing properties that make up soap and toothpaste. i'm also not about to quit smoking- so back off you long-haired, mangy hippies!

bartending and waitressing is all well and good- but you can only fake-smile your way through the sinfully boring minutae of your customer's lives so many times before you either a)take their lives, b)take your own life, or, c)find another job. so it's come to that. at times when i'm punching out my time card at work i think to myself that if i have to work even one more day there- the end result is going to be carnage. that is to say, i'm only a few short fuses away from going tom cruise on someone's ass. no one wants to see that, least of all me.

so it's time to move along little doggy. greenpeace at least seems like a step in the right- er- left direction. maybe then i'll start curbing my ever-delightful masochistic tendency of reminding myself daily that if i had have finished school instead of taking a break- i'd be done my degree and working somewhere worthwhile by now.

how fun!

the boy next door (a.k.a the boy accross the hall and a few doors down)

2006-08-12T23:42:00.000-04:00

it's time for some props.

yesterday and today, i've been reading through all of the blog posts that i've missed out on in the six or so months since i've been a regular blogger. it sucks to be so out of the loop, but at the same time- the entertainment factor of catching up is seemingly limitless. of course, there's one blog out there for which i have a particular soft spot. the story of how/why/when i started my blog was posted here on more than one occasion ages and ages ago- but for those who don't remember, here's a refresher.

two-ish years ago, when i was bored one afternoon, i went to the blog (at the time located on a fraternity website) of one of my former housemates from university residence. i read through its entire contents while eating a box of melba rounds and downing a six pack of root beer. the entries were really moving to me at the time as they contained what i percieved to be genuine feeling and spectacularly intimate writing. as a result of that, i sort of took a failed stab at blogging on my old website before discovering the unendingly superior Blogger software.

it's so funny and strange to mull over my blogger evolution. starting with nam lamore (le sigh- i miss that dude) linking me over a year ago and causing massive traffic on my blog (between 1 and 6 comments per post, holy shizz!!). through nam, i found loz, kallun and louise nillon. through louise i started getting comments from underhill- which given his current blacksheep status seems unfortunate if it weren't for the fact that it was via underhill that i became aquainted with nicky (whom i heart bigtime) and the inexhaustibly wise and entertaining ubermilf. having a group of bloggers to read your words, give their feedback and somehow give you a feeling of genuine support is a shockingly satisfying use of spare time. i'm one lucky bitch to have stumbled upon such a cool group of people. the coolest thing of all was when my blog mentor joined blogger.com and was immediately welcomed into the fold by everyone. i dig that he and nicky (my future husband should i ever flee to kansas) are bff now and that ubie is going to live out her coug fantasies with him. i dig that there are tunes on his blog and oodles of comments. i dig how his blogroll has grown exponentially over the year and most of all, i dig that although the content is more whimsical and fun- it still retains some of the darker, more intimate ramblings that got me hooked on blogging (as well as had me totally in love with him for at least five or six hours) to begin with.

so today is a day of props.

props most assuredly are in order.

props to anthony "my name ain't italian, yo" pereira- tv addict, fellow depressive, microwave chef extraordinaire and checker-loving blogger genius.

see you in the fall, brotha.

i could always change my name if that's what you mean

2006-08-10T07:59:00.000-04:00

it's funny how quickly a person can change in your eyes.

that initial fascination with what's unknown- gently fades when the unknown becomes familiar and boring. the people who were fascinating become familiar and boring- and so we cast out another line in search of someone who could sustain that sweet allure of novelty. the mystery of what's unknown- so pallatable and so attractive are all the potential solutuons to this puzzle. the human imagination becomes intoxicated with possibilities. we fantasize about soul mates and finishing one another's sentences- about liking all of the same foods and films- we project the things we desire most onto the people we desire most. and oh how we set ourselves up for cruel disappointment.

such is life.

how odd to see what appeared to be a look of loss on your face-
i swear, i was never that exciting to begin with.

o blogger whereart thou??

2006-07-22T00:31:00.000-04:00

yes, i've been away for ages.
no, i haven't fallen off the face of the earth.

i have been busy though- busier than expected.

i mean, if you had the choice of sitting at a computer or playing with this little guy, wouldn't you do the same as me?

sundown in the paris of the prairies...

2006-06-16T19:28:00.000-04:00

wheat kings have all their treasures burried...

so i'm typing this little note from an internet kiosk in the banff mall. emily and i pulled into banff yesterday evening after being on the road for four days. we drove from hamilton through michigan, wisconsin, minnesota, north dakota, winnipeg, brandon, regina, moosejaw, calgary and finally arrived here in banff.

i'd just like to say one thing to my american neighbours to the south... you people have been DUPED. i say this because throughout my stay in your country, i injested some of the worst, i repeat, the WORST nasty, brown-coloured water ever brewed in history. apparently, someone has been telling you all that that vile beverage is coffee, but i assure you- it is not. in canada, coffee is a delicious, dark roasted and aromatic experience. every single cup of "coffee" that i had stateside tasted like shit and it would be a crime for this offense to continue. it's time for you all to stand up for yourselves and shout out loud "we want some tim horton's!!!!"

in other news, nothing in the world is more entertaining than a good, solid north country accent. it's like being in the movie "fargo"; the fun never ends!

that's it for now.

peace.

benny

2006-06-07T22:17:00.000-04:00

good news, good news my friends.

after over a month of phoning up various people who posted ads in the newspaper with no success, it's finally happened...

i bought a puppy!!!

a beagle puppy!!!

i named him benny!!!

benny the beagle!!!

he is five weeks old at the moment and thus is still living with his mama. emily and i are leaving monday for our roadtrip out to calgary and i'm picking him up the day after i get back. i decided that i wouldn't be one of those annoying pet owners who spoils their dog with loads of unnecessary shit...but once i got into a pet store, that philosophy lasted about a minute and a half. anyone who has ever seen the ridiculous cuteness that is the puppy-sized kong toy knows that one (or more) must be had. there are limits, of course. for example: last week i saw a girl at fortinos with what looked to me like a big burbery purse in her shopping cart. unbeknownst to me, it turned out to be a dog carrying case and a little bichon frise poked its yappy little head out and barked at me in the frozen food aisle.

in the words of that wise old sage charlie brown...

good grief

look at this face!

and at that moment, i swear we were infinite

2006-05-25T14:09:00.000-04:00

it's been said that idle hands are the devil's playthings. for me, too much spare time tends to pave the way to self-destruction if i'm not careful. as i only work four days a week, i often have an excess of spare time and i'm happy to report that the majority of my time this week is going to be occupied by the most fabulous di maggio of us all, miss tabitha. she is my sister, best friend, my life-long protector, my biggest supporter and i might add, one righteous babe.

stay tuned for a summary the week's adventures, and (gasp!) maybe some pictures (i haven't posted a single image since november!!!?!)

it's a good life if you don't weaken

2006-05-20T00:05:00.000-04:00

"i'm getting worse as i get older"

i keep writing that down. in various places. notebooks, coasters, cereal boxes, and the like. also i've been having the strangest and most vivid dreams. the first time, i thought it was just because paul's nicotine patch came off in the middle of the night and i woke up from this ridiculous dream involving a european bus tour and nerf darts to find it stuck behind my left shoulder. however, that was weeks ago and i still feel like i'm not getting any real rest at night due to strange dream instances. it's a bit unsettling, actually.

speaking of unsettling, i had a really irritating visit to blockbuster today. all i wanted was to go in, get a dvd, and get out. apparently, cotton eyelet makes me look a lot friendlier than i actually am, because i ended up having some 15 year old store clerk follow me ALL AROUND THE STORE THE ENTIRE TIME. i was trying to be nice about the brush-off, but this kid just wasn't getting it, "have you seen history of violence? oh, what about match-point? i've heard good things about BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH".

perhaps hairless nether regions are fine for some- but JEEZuz... i just can't be that girl.

as paul would say...

holy monkey cock

you had to send a wrecking crew after me

2006-05-12T17:47:00.000-04:00

i had this dream
days spent wondering, replaced
by days spent wandering
lost in space.
some forgotton satellite,
my serial numbers long since flaked off.
their diamond dust collecting, swirling,
rolling together like some snowball
from my childhood.
i drifted deeper along
and watched the seeds of
my oblivion
become the seeds of your life,
your world, your earth, your stars
and i wondered if you
wondered where i was.
off in sleepy orbit
i watched you spin,
enchanted by your dance,
watched you grow and age until
one day you floated
up past me,
blinked in my direction
as if to suggest
some flicker of recognition
before you filled with air
and drifted into the sun.

eesh

2006-05-11T21:32:00.000-04:00

perhaps if i spent more time checking my email and less time bitching about my lowly status as a waitress i would be in a better position at the moment.

by way of the pleasant spring weather and no internet connection- i've been delinquent in the email/blog department. so imagine my surprise to see that a job i had applied for months and months and months ago had sent me an email requesting an interview.

oooh what fabulous news!

when was the email sent? monday.

when were the interviews held? yesterday.

a day late and a dollar short. be it by poor luck or karmic debt, that's an ouch. on top of that, it's now past nine and the liquor store is closed, so a consolation bottle of wine is out of the question as well. ouch, ouch, double ouch.

meh. the tao says want for nothing and you'll have everything. all the same, i sent a reply email anyway requesting to be kept in mind for future hiring opportunities.

where's chunky munkey when i need him?

white rabbit, white rabbit, white rabbit..

2006-04-30T12:49:00.000-04:00

it's common knowledge that i don't exactly make a concerted effort to go back to my hometown of cayuga very often. i usually pop in about once a year for christmas at my mom's and that's IT. so it's all the more suprising/disturbing to report that i was out there for my THIRD visit of the year last night. the occasion was dinner at my mom's with the rest of the family. in the middle of the year. on a non-holiday weekend. with no presents.

there was wine though- otherwise i surely would have bailed.

after dinner we had a bonfire with the kiddies where we instructed them in the ways of safe marshmallow toasting. auntie tabi reminded everyone that if your marshmallow catches on fire, you should NOT wave it around frantically causing it to fling into someone's face. five minutes later, i was engrossed in a conversation with my two year old niece when my sister said, "see kids, auntie adria's marshmallow is on fire and she's not waving it around. good job auntie adria!"
of course as soon as i noticed that it was on fire, i was waving it around like a maniac in an effort to extinguish the flame before too much damage was done.

what?

i don't like the burnt ones.

attache

2006-04-27T16:12:00.000-04:00

i said i wouldn't fall into another well.

but its too late. too late too late.

the sunshine is beautiful- all the murals of light painting their way in through stone and cold.

i'll never be the same.

a smile like a strangler whose hands have found a neck

2006-04-20T15:45:00.000-04:00

i'm a planner. always making plans, all these plans- here, there, under the carpet, folded up on top of my pillow. some i stick to and follow to the smallest detail- others forgotten, off sulking in some corner toward the back of my mind.

it's spring now- so it's a good time for new plans. a good time for ben harper and jack johnson and construction and reconstruction.

the latest plan is to not get lost again- to not get so far gone that i cry over all the missing scraps of self, torn off or dropped along the way.

a good plan.

never be the same

2006-04-19T01:02:00.000-04:00

spring has sprung.

today was beautiful- but the night air is still clinging to that winter bite. i walked to the internet cafe tonight and as i was rounding the corner, i burst into a coughing fit. my throat was so constricted from the cold air (the cigarette smoke i was inhaling could ostensibly be factored in as well) that i sounded like a toy poodle with its voicebox removed. it was ridiculous/hilarious/tragic.

anyone who saw me on the street tonight owes me money for the show.

so today is the day.
the day where my head fills up with water again and you float in with the tide. away at sea for three weeks, believe me- i noticed you missing.

there is a mark.
underneath my skin. deep down, beneath sheets of muscle and tissue. there's the outline of your fingerprint. this blueprint, this imprint, this fingerprint- every line and curve, each unique ridge pressed in and tattooed on my spine. left behind from the first time you held me by the waist and said, "careful, or we'll get attached".

too late
too late
it's too late.

i'll never be the same.

a million days, a million ways, a million little lies to pass the time

2006-04-15T19:28:00.000-04:00

i try to pretend that i'm not counting the days, but i am counting the days. i'm counting everything. it's in my nature to take inventory, or so it seems.

six months
five months
three weeks
two weeks
three days

also...
i went to indigo last week and was looking around at books. i picked up one that sort of caught my eye because there was a photo of what appeared to be a vanilla dip donut from tim horton's on the cover. being that i love donuts, as well as colourful sprinkles, i picked it up and read the back. the little blurb told me that the book was about some guy's six week stint in rehab. always a sucker for reclamation projects (just browse the archives for my romantic history, that's all the proof you need), i decided to buy it. i read the 430 pages in three sittings, all of which found me awake and in awe at 4am+ in the morning. while reading it, it occurred to me more than once that no matter how bad i think my life is, at least it's not as bad as THATGUY's. page after page of brutal, blunt, deadpan language describing the absolute horror show and complete loss of self that occurs in the midst of powerful, all encompassing, life-swallowing drug and alcohol addiction. the story and the style of writing had me in a trance. i've never read a book where i sympathized more or cared more about a central character who was so volatile and just down-right BAD. when asked to describe the book, all i could muster up was, "it's just...unbelievable".

turns out "unbelievable" was more accurate than i could have anticipated. with a mere forty pages to go, i had to put the book down to go and greet miss vic, whom i was meeting for dinner. before we left, i told her that i was reading "this incredible book...!" and i showed it to her. she asked me if it was one of oprah's book club books, to which i replied, "yes, but i peeled off the oprah sticker before i bought it so i wouldn't look like an IDIOT reading it in public". she proceeded to let me in on a few things, which many of you may already have guessed at this point. the book is "a million little pieces" by james frey and, as it turns out, a lot of it is bullshit. frey apparently is standing by his book, however- all kinds of interesting little factoids have popped out of the woodwork alledging that the book is full of lies and embellishments. so it looks like i'll look like and IDIOT with or without the stupid oprah sticker.

long story short: i bought this book knowing nothing about it, other than the fact that it was non-fiction. i read this book knowing nothing about it, and believed the words of the author. it's like reading someone's diary. you are made privy to the intimate details of a person's life and it's as though you know them or something. in light of all this, i can't help but feel tricked.

and, oddly enough- a little bit heartbroken.

man, i'm just so gullible sometimes it hurts.

i keep telling myself
i keep telling myself
i'm not the desperate type
but you've got me looking in through blinds

now i'll teach you a lesson for keeping secrets from me...

2006-04-12T01:52:00.000-04:00

can't forget the scent
of your fingertips
like cigarettes
until you slide them in me
and all the while
i hum the tune
better living
through chemotherapy

i hate it when i'm at the internet cafe, partway through writing a post, and i realize that i forgot my cigarettes at home. the resulting horror is that i am forced to go without my celebratory post-post cigarette. i just might cry. right here. right now. so get ready.

i read alex's blog today. he is such an affected person- his reactions to things are always so beautifully intense and immediate and full of emo force/feeling.

also- i've been listening to 'my heart is the worst kind of weapon' by fall out boy in the sort of repetitive fashion that is typically reserved only for those suffering from autism. i don't care what anyone says about fall out boy- that song gives me the best stomach ache in the world.

only nick understands.

you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat...

the push of a button

2006-04-07T23:15:00.000-04:00

i bought a new fancypants umbrella today. all i wanted was one that was small enough to fit in my purse and the sales lady talked me into getting a pimped out london fog one that opens and closes by the push of a button. for some reason, i thought that 'automatic close' meant that it would fold up completely when i pushed the button. i tested it out in my living room when i got home (yeah blah blah seven years, seven schmears) and to my dismay, 'automatic close' apparently just meants that the umbrella collapses itself. i still have to fold it up and shit. whoopedy doo. cheap umbrellas do that for free.

so i bought a sudoku book as a consolation. sudontgetit, more to the point. this whole business of retail therapy has gone horribly awry today.

oh man.

even when i try to spare you all the usual piss and moan fest, it turns into a piss and moan fest anyway.

after all this time
in my arena
your tower is still standing.
in my mind's eye
you will never die
in my mind's eye
you are imortalized.

and the swing kid hits the lights

2006-04-06T16:10:00.000-04:00

yesterday was your birthday.

i'll blow you a kiss... it should reach you tomorrow...

i went to absinthe last night for their wednesday night motown thang. it was a good time. being the only sober person in a gigantic group of girating bodies made me feel a bit like alice in wonderland. everyone was talking and walking in half-time and i couldn't hear them or understand them. it's like being in a dream. i saw a lot of people that i know- which is one of the things that's so weird about this city. it's not that you're friends with any of them necessarily- but you see them EVERYWHERE; the grocery store, the cinema, bars, clubs, in the park... hamilton is the real-life twilight zone.

today i slept until three, for no reason at all.

you know- it's hard to feel like you're living life to the fullest when the day is already half over and you're just waking up. i probably would have stayed in bed for longer if my sister hadn't phoned me to tell me all about her awful day at work on tuesday. i said maybe five words in the half-hour that she was talking. she's so hilarious- it just kills me.

tomorrow: lunch with kelly.
saturday: euchrefest at tabi's.

12 days: until you're back on solid ground.

fantasyland

2006-04-05T01:22:00.000-04:00

i have an obsessive personality.

this has always been so. it started when i went to see 'the little mermaid' in 1988 and was mesmerized by ariel's beautiful singing voice. for years (and i mean YEARS), i re-enacted the scene on the rocks in the tub- to the never-ending dismay of my mother who had to mop up all the water off of the floor.

back then, it was ariel.
these days, it's you.

i hope for more.

unfortunately, i've recently discovered that i may be suffering from an additional ailment...

i call it "poorly adjusted to reality".

this hope and optimism i wear will grow out like the highlights in my hair

2006-03-30T14:05:00.000-05:00

i want this bruise on my knee to go away
so i can stop bursting into tears
every time i see it.
reminding me of why it's there.
i watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
last night.
fell asleep on the couch in my clothes.
woke up in a puddle.
crying in my sleep.
hair stuck to my forehead and cheeks.
wanted to erase you.
at the same time,
wanted you to be here to say
"please don't erase me"

i wanted to be ok
but i'm not ok.
need to make a change.
cut my hair.
change myself.
can't stand looking in the mirror
seeing what you saw
what you pushed away, pushed out
grew tired of
and didn't want anymore.

tomorrow you're getting on a plane.
going back to england for a bit.
the last time you went
i said
"next time i'm hiding in your suitcase"
you said
"or you could sit in the seat next to me".
had some plans
like so many plans
as it turned out
they just looked good
on paper.

must have lost my mind when i lost your heart key on my way out strange how you're not with me

2006-03-29T16:40:00.000-05:00

still here
still me
still everything and nothing at all.

one coffee, two hours and numerous cigarettes later, my mind is still lost in space. stuck out in orbit like a satellite. he says there's a horror show inside of his head and i know it to be true- so why bother with punishment? in many ways, the current state of failure is punishment enough for both of us. besides, i just don't have the energy to be cruel to someone who means so much to me. despite everything, i'm not capable of such swift change. around me, everything's changed- but i still feel the same.

i'm not going anywhere

you're already in there...i'll be wearing your tattoo...

2006-03-27T15:59:00.000-05:00

it's not that i'm just lonely,
it's that i'm lonely for you.

what to do
what to do
what to do
when i miss you.

people at the WestTown never cease to amaze me. in one breath they say they're sorry to hear things didn't work out and in the next, they're jotting down their number and telling me to give them a call. they just don't get it. barely single 24 hours and they think it's a good time to sneak in there. besides- i'm not really single; i've got my heartache to keep me company. i don't want anyone else, anyway. the worst thing i could do would be to move on to someone else. it's likely that i'd only end up doing to them what paul did to me anyway. he was still having nightmares about his ex when we started seeing each other. i'm not even on to the nightmare phase of things. i'm still having the dreams where he's sleeping soundly beside me.

such is life.

move along, little doggy

2006-03-26T01:21:00.000-05:00

it's over.
(for real this time).
i picked up my things.
he apologized.
a variant of the 'it's not you, it's me' chestnut.
(yeah i know who it is).
asked me if i wanted a cigarette.
uh, no thanks...i wanted your heart, silly.
the cab took forever to arrive.
i tripped on the stairs while leaving.
thoroughly traumatizing.
went home.
wrote a letter.
went back to drop it off.
watched him get into a car with a friend.
off to a bar, i imagine.
good time to celebrate.
(that's probably not true...just wish it was so i could trade sad with angry).

i'll get over this.
one day.
i have to get over it.
just have to get the tears out of my system
first.
dry up.
toughen up.
can't be a puppy anymore.
how can you miss what you never had?
easy.

re-read this today.
wrote it the day after.
day after what?
you know what day it was.
why do i re-read these things?
glutten for punishment, i am.
oh well.
that's enough.
enough being heartbroken for one day.

die bart die, it's german...

2006-03-25T18:51:00.000-05:00

last night i went out for thai food with the lovely victoria. she brought me nestle baci's, which means she truly loves me. post thai-food, we went to slainte's for a few drinks which is a super fun irish bar close to my apartment. the evening was a smashing success but lately i've been getting all stressed out about going to sleep.

why?

i'll tell you why.

the girl who lives above my apartment is driving me mental. aside from the fact that she listens to her music WAY too loud and stomps around her apartment in stilettos at two in the morning- there's this whole alarm clock situation. i understand that i can't blame her fully for the piss poor sound-proofing quality of the building but that doesn't take away from the fact that every morning at 7:45 i resolve to kick her door in and just slaughter her in her peaceful, peaceful booze-induced sleep. her bedroom is right above mine, and her alarm clock goes off so loudly that it wakes me up out of a sleep. it's a frustrating cocktail of music and buzzer and she DOES NOT TURN IT OFF. oh no...instead, she hits the snooze button. that fucking thing goes off every ten minutes from 7:45 to 9 am and it's slowly (or not that slowly) turning me into an INSANE person. usually i just bang on the ceiling with a broom that i keep beside my bed, but this morning i was particularly pissed about the whole situation and decided to go up to her apartment, decked out in a bathrobe and slippers and knocked on her door with such force that my hand was aching after. she didn't answer the door. possibly because the god-awful blaring of Pink's "stupid girls" prevented her from hearing me. but it's more likely because she could hear me cursing and swearing ballistically outside the door. she ended up shutting it off before i got down the stairs but it was already too late. wide awake and furious- i couldn't fall back asleep and so just sat in the bath conjuring up plans to exact my revenge.

any suggestions that you might have are fully welcome.

put this under your pillow

2006-03-23T19:20:00.000-05:00

back in the day, i used to sit around wishing with my whole heart for a terminal illness. that was the most ideal of my fantastical suicide pipe-dreams. mostly because i knew i'd never have the guts. then later on i got some guts. later still, i'd just hope for a car to hit me when i was crossing the street. that's been the most enduring one, thus far. not all that creative, and worse- the cars always slow down. in university, medication quieted down those desires- and every other kind of desire as well. you don't feel bad, you don't feel good, you don't feel at all. that's when you begin to miss the warm blanket of depression. anti-depressants are like that annoying younger sibling who snaps the lead tip from all your pencils and then hides the sharpener so that when you go to write something- you no longer have the means.

i was going nowhere with this.

too many sharks
too many razor sharp rocks
too many ways to bleed to death
all nestled along your shore
well
i had me a life
of laundry days and
roast beef nights
but i left it out in the sun
too long
and it's done
don't worry
don't worry
non te preoccupa
and somehow it's so fitting
to think of myself
no deeper than the ink
or the paper on which i've written...
still me
"your forgiveness
ain't the neighbourhood
i'm looking to live in, baby"

+

on a side note...what's this about?

grey vs. gray....what's the difference?

2006-03-13T14:19:00.000-05:00

it is pouring rain today. yesterday was so beautiful that it makes today's weather seem all the more miserable.

ah well.

the sun is shining for me in other ways right now. so i really can't complain.

for those of you in the gta- i have an upcoming event to share that may be of interest. jeremy lalonde, actor/writer/film editor-extraordinaire and long-time amigo has finished his first feature-length screenplay, The Unfinished Work of Paul Shepard. The Victory Cafe (581 Markham St- near bathurst and bloor) is hosting a public reading of the screenplay this thursday march 16 at 7pm. be there or be square.

in other news... dallas green played a sold out show last night at club77 and i missed it due to the sold-outedness. i'm inconsolable...truly.

eight days until the first day of spring where we all join hands and sing that gandharvas song... any takers?

an inventive imagination

2006-03-07T00:52:00.000-05:00

i'm having a hard time dealing lately.

in defiance of logic, it seems that i'm not entitled to any of the feelings that i have because then i'm competing in the 'who's more stressed' game. since i don't have much competitive spirit- i'm fine with folding and going along with it.

a lot of the time- i get asked a question where the answer has already been decided. then it doesn't matter what i say, because unless i agree with the decided answer- i'm wrong, or lying, or whatever. it's ridiculous. it's unfair. it's making me feel psycho even though i know i'm not.

if you think all women are liars, fine- but for the record, i'm not.
if you think i only care about your job, fine- but for the record, i don't.
if you think i give a shit about your money, fine- but for the record, i never have.
if you think you'll honestly never be able to have a normal relationship because your work is too time consuming and too important, fine- but for the record, that's insane.

i see how it would make things easier if all of those things were true- but they just aren't. i'm a good person. making me feel bad about myself doesn't change that.

in the midst of all of this- i just can't let go yet.
i know there was something- a connection- i can't forget it.

i just want to be loved.
i just want to be happy.
i just want to be happy and loved.

why must it be so difficult?

wave, smile, do something

2006-03-03T22:17:00.000-05:00

i think i'm suffering from stockholm syndrome.

really.

it's the only explanation that could account for why i continuously hold on and attempt to justify and even sympathize with actions that leave me feeling like (for lack of a better descriptive) nothing.

i don't understand, but i want to.
i care, but i wish i didn't.

i have a habit of writing long and detailed entries for this blog that i end up never posting. i just save them as drafts. over the past few days i've been trying o re-trace my steps back to the point when i first believed in this (and you) and why. re-reading some of the drafts that i've written over the past four months is nothing short of astonishing. i used words like sensitive, understanding, gentle, accepting, clear-headed, honest...

part of me wonders if i secretly knew all along that i was heading for punishment...and whether or not i participated willingly because i thought that, on some level, i deserved it.

your policy sucks

2006-03-02T18:07:00.000-05:00

yeah well...your policy blows!!!

when i was in highschool, i participated in the model u.n general assembly.

i was micronesia.

so while the smart kids from the more important highschools argued the issues of abortion and foreign policy in the peaceful tradition of the G7 (which included shouting, name-calling and threats to tell their mommies), i sat in the back corner of the assembly hall drinking out of a juice box and twirling the long strands of my micronesian shell necklace.

i guess what i'm saying is i need a vacation.

dallas is a city and green is a colour

2006-02-24T17:09:00.000-05:00

i'm sure that a lot of you are sick to death of my shamefully incessant mentioning of dallas green on this blog- but i don't really give a shit so open up wide because here comes another spoonful.

dallas green (of alexisonfire fame) released a solo record of accoustic songs that are so beautifully melodic that you have to actually be completely deaf (or stupid) in order to not appreciate them. in carrying on the tradition of the modern musician, dallas released a video for "save your scissors" which is getting mad airplay currently on much music.

you can watch it here.

also- i've recently discovered a band from the famous flat lands of kansas- famous for the wizard of oz, tornadoes and nick seaman. the new amsterdams hail from the booming metropolis (i jest) of lawrence and i'm growing enormously fond of their folky sound. preview their tunes here.

three random things that i'm to lazy to contextualize and therefore must put into list format:

1. i find it very disturbing that the cream cheese i purchased from the store a few days ago doesn't expire until july. i demand an explanation.

2. people in my building have been posting strongly-worded notes on the security door proclaiming their dissatisfaction with the irregular floor mopping schedule of the super. in response, some resourceful buddhist has begun posting karmic messages reminding us all that 'words have wings' and 'namaste!'.

lastly...

3. i'm making creme brulee tonight for the first time. wish me luck.

we'll cut these rows of goodyear like a knife

2006-02-23T23:26:00.000-05:00

tonight i went to see the documentary why we fight.

Somehow, no matter how many times i witness the calculated deception that has come to personify the bush administration- i am still shocked.

it's just all so depressing.

in a dream

2006-02-20T13:25:00.000-05:00

today i went to a funeral for a baby.

for six months he was perfectly healthy. at one point barb asked me how old most babies are when you can put them in a highchair because daniel still couldn't hold his head up. a few weeks later she stopped coming to work.

eventually we all found out that he had a degenerative disease that prevented his body from absorbing sugar. there's nothing that can be done for it. i'm completely in awe of how incredibly strong barb was through the whole thing. she was at the hospital every day with him, sleeping in a chair beside his crib. in fact, she was so optimistic about the entire thing that i didn't fully realize the severity of the situation until she told me one evening that he was completely blind and deaf and rhymed off the list of sedatives that he was recieving via i.v.

he died in the hospital on wednesday. seven months old.

this afternoon at the reception she said she was feeling surprisingly relaxed because the fact that he's no longer in pain is a tremendous comfort. she said that she feels like she's floating in a dream and that everything will be ok.

it's freezing cold today...but at least the sun is shining.

too late tonight, i'm gone. you're miles ahead and i'm lost...

2006-02-17T16:58:00.000-05:00

MONEEN was rockin last night. the opening bands were good, but i have no patience for opening bands, to be quite honest- and so i was somewhat annoyed that there were three of them to sit through. i've seen videos of live performances of moneen before but i still was surprised by how much energy kenny has. he jumps all over the stage in a manner that can only be compared to my four year old nephew after he eats too much chocolate birthday cake. they played all the songs i had hoped they would, including one that they re-recorded with alexisonfire. at the end of it all, kenny hugged everyone that was standing near the stage (myself included) and told me to feel the puffy screen print on his dallas green t-shirt.

a good time was had by all. i bought this shirt.

in other news, i am going to see nine inch nails again at the beginning of march. it's in london, ontario and so i had to look up the cost of greyhounding it out there. it's 27.50 one way which made me want to throw up in my mouth a little. good thing vic is driving us back otherwise i'd be sending trent a nasty letter demanding reimbursement for the fare as well as for the t-shirt that i will inevitably feel compelled to purchase.

good grief.

moneen, evergreen, and bon voyage baby (maybe)

2006-02-16T16:15:00.000-05:00

tonight i am going to see moneen at the underground in metropolitan hamilton. all are welcome to join me while i nod my head and sway around singling the wrong lyrics (quietly, so as not to seem completely retarded).

if you're still not sure you want to go to the show, you can preview some of moneen's greatest hits at their myspace website here.

also, i picked up my passport from the passport office today. i now have permission sanctioned by the queen of england to leave this country. not that i've planned to go anywhere or anything- but i do have five years in which to get something together before it expires.

stay tuned for my epic story of how i pissed off everyone in my apartment last week whilst attempting to sneak a dead christmas tree out of my place (yes, in february).

it's a doozey.

drowning or just waving?

2006-02-03T00:18:00.000-05:00

i'm really bad at days off.

mostly what i mean by that is that i'm bad at days off alone. as i have no phone, no internet, no cable and no newspaper subscription to speak of, i am literally cut off completely from the civilized world (if you can call hamilton civilized...which i normally don't, but will- for the sake of this explanation). all that considered, i always feel like i'm in the middle of some bad dream on my days off when i nothing/no one to see/do. not a nightmare, by any stretch- just one of those weird bad dreams that always involve people from the office who you can't look in the eye at lunch time for a week or so afterward. i guess the bottom line is that i just feel bored. also- i'm annoyed with myself at how inadequate i have become at passing the time when i'm stuck with myself for the day. in fact, just reading over that last sentence has me feeling a bit bored and inadequate already.

let's move on before i lose the will to live, shall we?

i went to see brokeback mountain this evening. the whole story going on there just made me feel sad and further depressed about my current living situation. i love how everyone is always patting me on the back and pinching my cheeks, telling me how wonderful and fabulous it is to be young and out on your own and how i should cherish this time because i'll look back on it in years to come as some gloriously freeing experience and blah blah blah.

anyway.

my goal for the month is to learn how to just be alone- without feeling lonely.

respeck

2006-02-02T01:05:00.000-05:00

this is a round-up post, nick style.

so i got blog-recognized yesterday, yo.

the celebrated and introverted purveyor and performer of buckshot blues, alfie smith told me that he googled his name and saw that i made mention of him on a blog back in july. based on photographic evidence (so much for plausible deniability), he deduced that it was i, west town waitress extraordinaire, who had ripped one of his songs onto my algonquin tape this past summer (alfie, i swear i'd give you the money for it if i hadn't donated every cent plus most of my clothes to starving children in africa...err...)

blogebrity a-list, here i come.

in other news, paul has recently introduced me to da ali g show, which is a uk import (much like paul himself). watch it, learn it, love it, lest you die, old and withered, with an unfulfilled soul.

also- as i have previously mentioned, city and colour (featuring dallas green of alexisonfire fame) is currently rocking my world and thus i suggest you all purchase it immediately for your oral- oops i mean aural- pleasure.

oh yeah, before i forget, some of you may have had the joyous opportunity of watching bush's state of the union extravaganza last night. for equally insightful and awe inspiring commentary on young dubbya and his gay lover condoleezza rice, head to matthew good's blog here.

for real- that's a maaaaaan, baby. these are even more unbelievable. if you buy three, you don't pay the s&h on the second, third, OR the mounted head of an arab that they send out FREE OF CHARGE. with deals like that, you can't afford NOT to get in on the war on civil liberties- er, i mean, global terrorism.

sniff you jerks later, nick-style.

150, but who's counting?

2006-01-28T09:16:00.000-05:00

this is my 150th post.

i was kind of saving it, just in case something genius came to mind that would launch me into supreme blogebrity status- alack alas...no such luck.

after reading anthony's blog about aging but not getting any older, i feel it's time to re-examine things. i'm a year older than anthony, but don't get any ideas; i'm none the wiser and none the brighter. for all i aspire- i'm still working at a bar and living alone. four years ago i had a finely crafted plan with which i foresaw myself graduating university at the end of this year and moving on to a fulfilling career. now four years later, i drink too much coffee, smoke too many cigarettes and have forgotton all too conveniently what those plans even were. so strange how things become so quickly askew with the relentless aid of depression, apathy and general laziness.

basically...if i am still working at the west town by the end of this year, you are all instructed to come out here from your respective countries and shoot me in the head, execution style.

happy 150!

good news and bad news

2006-01-18T18:57:00.000-05:00

i hate sleeping alone.

but not the way you think, dear.
not enough to end up the where you think i will, dear.

you said you know you haven't done anything to hurt me, because if you had, then you'd feel bad... and since you don't feel bad at all, then i must be fine.

you're so wrong.
what you said was wrong.
what you're doing is wrong.
what you're seeing is wrong.
and you're only fooling yourself.

left my cd case in your flat. far too horrifying waking up this morning with the realization that i'd have to get through the day with nothing to listen to aside from my inhalations and exhalations. not that i've ever noticed them much before, but i do notice them now that they're the only sounds around. the repetitiveness could be chinese water torture.

the good news is it's still early.
the bad news is that it's so early.

blogger whereart thou?

2006-01-14T01:03:00.000-05:00

I visited someone’s blog yesterday- I’m not naming names (anthony)- only to discover that I’ve been excluded from the list of people in the order of which he values them. It was then that I decided that I’ve been delinquent for far too long and perhaps it was time to let everyone (anthony) know that I haven’t died or anything and therefore should not be omitted from any future lists and also that perhaps some people (anthony) should revise said lists accordingly

it's like i've been asleep in a coma for months. and when i woke up- nothing changed.

'nothing changes except the red lights'

i disappeared from blogland just before christmas due to lack of internet connection and the general distraction that comes with having a life of sorts. i'd like to say that i've spent my hiatus learning a new language, publishing a ground-breaking novel or discovering the secrets of the universe- but the truth is that I’ve mainly been napping and working a lot.

A list of interesting things that have occurred recently:

I quit smoking
I used my new iron for the first time last week
I hit a traffic cone with my sister’s car when attempting to exit the highway
I watched all of the first and second series of ‘the office’ with paul
I later discovered that there’s an American version of it as well that is not nearly as funny/cool
I spilled a glass of water on my new tegan and sara cd and was sad
I resolved to get a haircut this week- but didn’t

I know, I know…you’re all jellus, aren’t you (anthony)

forget me not

2005-12-21T17:59:00.000-05:00

i've been awol for so long that i've almost forgotton how to blog.

almost.

these past few weeks have been strange and hectic and wonderful and thus there's been no time to blog- not to mention the fact that i don't have an internet connection in my new apartment (so even if i did have the time, i still don't have the means).

there are only three more shopping days until christmas. it just kills me how in the winter, everyone measures the passage of time in terms of remaining shopping days- it's as though it surpasses all other time measurement, if only briefly. matt good says that nowadays christmas is for shopping and the shopping god is everything. i think he's right. all that cynicism aside- i'm strangely prepared this year. i've had my sister's car this past week as she's been off sunning her ass in the dominican republic since last thursday, so that's helped in terms of getting around from store to store more efficiently. also- paul is back in england with his family until the 30th so my list of recent distractions has shortened drastically.

today was particularly fun as i went out to buy a christmas tree. it was an adventure of sorts and so i'm sort of proud of myself for pulling the whole thing off. i was by myself, so i tied the tree to my car, drove it home, hauled it into my apartment and sawed off the end so it would absorb the water better. all that, an narry a drop of sap made it's way onto my wool coat.

i think props are in order.

long time no see

2005-12-08T21:55:00.000-05:00

moved into my new apartment last saturday.
it's nice, dark, quiet and mine.

yesterday i went to buffalo with paul to get his permanent canadian residency. buffalo...not what i expected, in any case. we went to a little vintage book shop and left with kafka and the sleepwalkers. a good day all in all.

one thing- border guards are most certainly on santa's naughty list as they aren't remotely polite or bearable in any sense.

i've been a bad blogger lately, i know. delinquency's my bag.

anyhow- i'm off to watch a documentary ('stupidity') and then perhaps i can convince paul to withstand hugh 'homo' grant's performance in 'love actually'.

later kiddies.

a word

2005-12-01T13:38:00.000-05:00

so i would write
the history of your life
glove-fingered
in the snow
and when the spring came
all the water of your sadness
would roll into the sea, unamed
and none but the mineral
of your mind and heart
would remain

and now, to tear myself away...how strange. forty hours could have just as easily been five minutes and i would have been none the wiser.

i would never have guessed that a person could change in a matter of weeks and i don't mean switching from fabric softener to dryer sheets either. i mean changing a part of yourself that you believed to be eternal or inate. selfishness, restraint, all of my inabilities are crushed under the weight of you, your words and your actions.

the passage of time is so subliminal. it's so strange of a concept to sit and number all of the intangible things that are contained in a physical world.

it's safe to say i'm fixated.

what i mean to say is...

i'm yours.

hnt

2005-11-24T14:33:00.000-05:00

city and colour

2005-11-24T12:40:00.000-05:00

i went to see walk the line last night. it was quite enjoyable. i know you're all thinking that the only reason i like johnny cash is because he did a cover of 'hurt' by nine inch nails. and you're all right.

just kidding. he was a cool person who had an intensely interesting life and the whole thing with june made me feel all warm and mushy inside. awwwwww.

anyway- my current musical obsession is Dallas Green's solo record. you all may remember dallas from alexisonfire fame. who knew that a scrEMO artist could make such beautiful music. (well, i knew, but maybe you didn't)

in other news, the apartment hunt continues today.

*fingers crossed*

"i'd be more apathetic, if i weren't so lethargic"

2005-11-23T13:09:00.000-05:00

i read that quote as part of a caption of a snotty cartoon that was meant to be pretentious and therefore not funny, but i still thought it was kind of funny.

anyway, the point is that it's true for me lately (and aren't things funnier when they're true?)

i am the mistress of inaction. for example, right now i am hungry. i have not yet eaten since i woke up five or so hours ago and that's because it requires going into the kitchen and cooking something which is entirely unappealing to me at this particular juncture. and thinking logically doesn't help either. i know that the longer i put off getting something to eat the more i increase my chances of feeling sick after i eat because my body is in crazed starvation mode and can't handle the assault of binge eating.

in other news, i have a solid plan to listen to this alexisonfire cd until it gets so hot from spinning in my player all day that it melts into marketable piece of mod art that i will sell for 11.6 million dollars. hey, if this idiot can get away with it, then i can too.

an explosion is imminent

2005-11-22T20:15:00.000-05:00

one of those days...

today, if given the means, i feel that i could be capable of unspeakable horror. work was shit. tired of dealing with idiots, i am. on top of everything else- i don't need to hear that your pop is flat or that you'd like a vegetarian western despite not liking any of the vegetable ingredients listed.

one of those days... need to get it all out before i give into the compelling urge to throw myself in front of a moving vehicle (no point anyway, since they always slow down...)

irresponsible
disrespectful
cruel
hateful
thoughtless
inconsiderate
all of these things i've been called
all for wanting someone else
i can't change it
i can't fix it
i can't control it
it is what it is
i am what i am
a montstrous champion of human depravity
what can i hope to gain from any of it?
best case scenario: it's all just a mild neurosis, entirely treatable
worst case scenario: it's all true.

either way...

so tonight i'm hiding out at an internet cafe because there are kitchen knives, blunt instruments, etc, all within arms reach at the apartment. every time i leave, i'm a little concerned that all of my belongings will be set aflame in my absence- but i'm still undecided as to what's worse (losing everything, or confrontation...which is just another way of losing, in the end).

if it's all my fault i accept it.
right, wrong, cruel, painful- all i can do is accept it and move on. talking things to death, yelling, accusing, flinging insults...it accomplishes nothing. it's all in vain. there's no nutrition in anger and every night i fall asleep with an empty stomach.

hopefully apartment hunting tomorrow leads to some fruition.

"but you...you're dragging this misery on
just leave this thing for a while
it's too far gone...too far gone"

one mississippi, two mississippi, three mississippi...

2005-11-19T01:35:00.000-05:00

sans clips, it's bad news.

today i want to test out the travelling capabilities of sound. i want to seek out the tallest building in the noisiest place and whisper...

we fit.

evening, doctor

2005-11-17T23:49:00.000-05:00

I’m an observer.

I’m always looking at people and trying to figure them out. Today as I was leaving the subway I passed by a woman heading down into the tunnel wearing very high heeled boots. I watched the expression on her face and felt like I instantly knew her story. She descended the stairs slowly, easing herself down every step with a wince. Every time her heel clicked down onto the step she carefully shifted her weight, all the while clutching onto the handrail with a white-knuckled grip. It was strange somehow to see her making such a concerted effort to hide the pain that she obviously felt; as if quietly hoping that no one would notice or judge her for wearing impractical shoes.

I feel like my mind is in a constant state of analysis. I sometimes try to hide it, as though the expression on my face is just something simple and trivial like uncomfortable shoes. But really...I am analyzing all the time.

A word, a sigh, a look. Looks are especially difficult. Sometimes you get this look as though you’re sorting through every thought you’ve ever had. . It’s a subtle and delicate process to watch a thought move through someone. Your eyes shift from left to right and then close briefly; a tenth of a second too long to qualify as blinking, but somehow too quick to save and hold on to. The whole thing just leaves me in a state of awe.

Actually, I’m in a state of transition right now. The whole thing is kind of terrifying. I can’t really describe it other than to say that at times I feel as though my heart, stomach and lungs have dissolved and run down into my shoes causing me to leave a trail of wet footprints in any direction that I run. I imagine people looking at them and telling me, “girl, you’re making a mess everywhere you go”.

The truth is, I used to be really insensitive. Whatever you wanted, whatever you needed, I couldn’t care less. It couldn’t have mattered less. And that was that. But now, more and more, these waves of uncertainty tattoo themselves just beneath my skin and in the right light, my body is a mural of your sighs and spectacular silence.

so what if you catch me, where would we land?

2005-11-16T14:22:00.000-05:00

today i had the longest shower in the history of the world. a vain attempt to wash away my anxiousness with soap and water. and now here i am, wrinkled, slathered in african shea butter whipped body balm- and anxious, no less.

i am one of those.

those impatient, illogical people ruled by all but their minds. lately i've been thinking...if you never really know what you want, then how can you ever be satisfied?

(anon: what do you want?)
(ad: nothing...)
(anon: nothing?)
(ad: ...and everything)

i want to know everything, i want to be everywhere, i want to fuck everyone in the world, i want to do something...

2005-11-14T23:08:00.000-05:00

...that matters.

today is a double post day because i posted a poem earlier. i decided a long time ago that posting poetry in my blog was gay, but i temporarilly forgot. i wish i could say it was due to drugs, but it was probably just stupidity and/or short term memory loss caused by t.v. somehow i feel that my nine inch nails title should make up for EVERYTHING.

today is so lame. this whole day reeks of lame, actually. except for the headphones part.

lately every day is an uneven mixture of boredom and anger. i feel like every little thing sends me into a swirl of rage. on top of that everyone keeps asking me what my deal is like we're all best friends and they'll hold all my secrets tightly against their chests and so on and so forth. the reality is that everyone at the bar is a nosey fucking gossip queen looking to spread some more bullshit around. i used to think the rumour mill at work was kind of funny. that is, until people started coming up to me all like 'oooh, i heard this and that about you and whomever and blah blah' and i stand there and nod and smile and defend and hold back the screams that are clutching at my throat.

i just re-read that paragraph. and, man, i think we can all agree that i looks like an eight year old wrote it.

carrying on:

so to alleviate some stressful tension that i was experiencing i decided to hit up the liquor store and (because i'm so lucky of course) i see a customer from the bar in there who's all like, 'oooh, looky looky who's buying booze all by herself'. to add to the lameness quotient, by the time i got home i was too bored and tired from walking to bother getting drunk alone so i just sat at my computer clicking the 'next blog' button in between watching quicktime movie previews on apple.com and watching re-runs of csi on showcase. by the way, i'm aware of all you csi haters out there (i mean you, anthony) and i already said that today sucked so just can it.

i'm off to sulk.

later biyotches.

"someplace holy, like the vatican..."

2005-11-14T19:10:00.000-05:00

today i bought enormous headphones. they sound beautiful. now i just need the matching enyce jacket and pink baby phat shoes (smarm, smarm).

also- i wrote for hours today. on paper! it made me realize how over indulgent my computer use has become and, as a result, i can barely hold a pen anymore. my hand was cramping like crazy and my handwriting is SHIT.

so i've decided something...

people with perfect handwriting must never feel pressed by their thoughts. when i'm writing i feel like i'm in a race with my mind, and if i don't get everything out as quickly as possible, it will all be lost to the abyss.

so that's that.
and this is this (something from the vault):

(jm: hey, do you mind if i submit this to be considered for the english award?)
(ad: no, you can submit it.)
(jm: ok, good, because you already won.)
(ad: i'm so wicked.)

Head Full of Water
head full of water
like my head full of water
i only care about what's brand new
but that's me
all skin
and skin deep

used to be time was crucial
but now i could just sleep
for twenty one out of twenty four
if i thought i could get away with it
like so many other things
i just lie
lie like its the end of the world
and all that's at stake
isn't my integrity
it's yours
and my head full of water

like a head full of water
i only care about
whats in your pockets
but that's just me
all skin
and skin deep

used to be faith was crucial
but not for pagans like me
not for bastards like me
and now they're one in five
by your nineteenth birthday
like so many other things
it's not me praying
it's just me hearing
what i want to
through a head full of water

like a head full of water
i only care about your next one
but that's me
all skinned
and skin deep

i can't help but feeling, i could blow through the ceiling, if i just turn and run...

2005-11-13T11:49:00.000-05:00

Lately whenever I try to sit down and write, my mind starts wandering into fantasy land (which is where most of my daily living takes place, unfortunately). In the physical realm, I’m just staring at the blinking cursor on a blank computer screen. In fantasy land, however, I’m immersed in a myriad of activity: replaying conversations and images and senses and feelings and words in my mind. On and on it goes until I eventually take notice of the little clock in the bottom corner and realize that an hour has passed and that I’ve accomplished exactly nothing.

What usually snaps me out of it is actually this awful daydream that I sometimes have. Whenever I’m thinking about how I might be on the verge of happiness- I have this waking dream (not a drug-induced hallucination, by the way darlings) that the ceiling is caving in on me. When I’m sitting at the computer, lost in fantasy land, sometimes I’ll lean back and in my mind I see the ceiling of my apartment crumbling above me piece by piece (a la 40 days and 40 nights) It’s not as terrifying as it might sound. Mostly it’s just disappointing. And that’s how it ends- I’m buried in concrete and stucco and all I can manage is a mildly irate sigh. And then it’s back to reality.

reality is for suckers

this ocean is wrapped around that pineapple tree

2005-11-11T17:35:00.000-05:00

I make little boats.

tiny paper boats that my grandfather taught me how to make. He learned how to make them during the four years that he lived in an orphanage. He and his friends used to float them around in the Adriatic sea, which is where my name comes from. My mother couldn’t decide on a name for me and so I remained nameless for days after I was born, until he picked one for me.

But back to the boats…

I make them to remind myself of my grandfather and all of the genius that he was. I lived with him from the day that I was born until the day he died when I was sixteen. He was a successful engineer, brilliant linguist, opera lover, lifetime member of the national geographic society, chef extraordinaire and my soul mate. From him, I learned to speak Italian, read Shakespeare, write calligraphy, grow vegetables and appreciate pacifism.

So, the boats…

If I meet someone who I think represents his patience, or genius, or humour, I’ll give them one- but never say why.

It’s how I leave my finger print on someone. Even if they don’t know- I know. I guess I have strange ways of making myself known.

do you think i'm crazy yet?

I got my head, but my head is unraveling, can't keep control, can't keep track of where it's travelling

2005-11-11T13:08:00.000-05:00

the NIN show last night was incredible. To start off, L.A is clearly agreeing with Trent as he was sporting short hair, huge arms and a tan(!?!). He’s come a long way from the pasty, angry, Orleans-based, goth-rocker with the stringy hair and child-molester ‘stache that I remember from the old days. In all honesty though- I thought he was pretty fucking hot then too.

Oh, me.

Anyway- the setlist was glorious. He opened with pinion and closed with head like a hole. In between, we were graced with the aural pleasures of terrible lie, the wretched (be still my heart), something I can never have, closer, eraser, wish and hurt (among others). During right where it belongs, they made clever use of a sheer scrim to show the usual video of insects, decay and george bush.

DFA 1979 and Queens of the Stone Age both opened to minor fanfare. I enjoy both bands, but the anticipation for my beloved trent to hit the stage overshadowed my interest in their performances exponentially.

So all in all, trent rocked the house. The show contained all of the usual goodies that fans have come to expect: trent threw a multitude of water bottles into the pit (a tradition), inserted the word ‘fuck’ into the song lyrics where appropriate as he is mindful of PFP (proper fuck placement), and lastly, he wore sexy leather pants and jumped around a lot.

What else could a girl ask for?

Victoria and I

Trent in all his god-like glory

Thousands of lighters lit during ‘hurt’

Vic and I with the obligatory post-show cinnabon at union station

My highschool prom date, trevor

maybe just to look into your headlight morning glow

2005-11-09T21:22:00.000-05:00

my greatest fear is being alone. it's also my absolute worst quality as it causes me to emotionally abuse myself and others because the idea of loneliness is just too terrifying of an alternative.

I want love so badly. I want attention and fixation and infatuation and tenderness and emotion and clarity and purity and depth. I live so much of my life on the surface and it’s really a shame. And the truth of it all is that I’m really terrified that if anyone ever found out what was going on underneath my skin and muscle, deep in the impulses of my brain- they would scream out loud the way I scream inside.

i might delete this tomorrow... i just needed to get it out.

if only we could heal ourselves, we wouldn't need to be hooked up to these machines

2005-11-06T14:53:00.000-05:00

i'm officially obsessed with this video by alexisonfire. it has this bringing out the dead-isque quality that i find oh so interesting.

my sister, tabitha, is a paramedic, maybe that's why. i listen to all of her stories about resuscitating teen age drug overdoses and picking up her 'regular customers', including the dude who binge drinks Aqualvelva and passes out in front of the mall. it's such a strange culture and i'm endlessly fascinated by it.

if you ever see this woman, be kind, she might save your life one day

you got your lovey dovey sad and lonely stick your stupid slogan in everybody sing are you motherfuckers ready for the new shit?

2005-11-06T13:19:00.000-05:00

so nothing's new. today i have curly hair. that's about it.

When I die and they take out my heart, they will be seized by wonder at all of your words tattooed upon it.

2005-11-04T17:53:00.000-05:00

lately i've been thinking about this fable that i read in elementary school.

A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a river. As the scorpion cannot swim, he asks the frog to carry him across on his back. The frog replies “I will not, for how will I know that you won’t sting me?”

“If I sting you, then I will die too- for you see, I cannot swim” the scorpion assured.

The frog sees the logic in this and agrees to carry the scorpion across the river. Just as they are about the reach the opposite shore, the scorpion stings the frog. As the frog feels the onset of paralysis, he looks up at the scorpion in shock and asks “Why have you done this? Now we will both drown!”

The scorpion replies, “I can’t help it....I’m a scorpion, it’s my nature.”

And they both sank into the muddy swirls of the river.

ten years ago when i first read the fable, it didn't really mean anything to me. now, i see it as a secret of the universe, this idea of nature. no matter who you are or what you evolve into, you cannot control your nature- even if it leads you to self-destruction.

we are what we are what we are what we are

hnt

2005-11-03T19:04:00.000-05:00

legs

strobe lights and blown speakers, fireworks and hurricanes, i'm not here...this isn't happening

2005-11-02T17:25:00.000-05:00

today was a gloomy day. an eeyore day, if you will.

it didn't actually rain, but all day it looked like it might, which is worse. this type of weather does not inspire. not remotely.

i finished reading the alchemist by paulo coelho yesterday. the book was given to me by a bosnian guy named boris that i served at the bar a few weeks ago. he wrote a dedication to me that read, "every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. what you choose to do with them is up to you." so i started reading the book a few days ago and now i can't stop thinking about it. there's a line in it that reads, "when you want something, all the world conspires in helping you achieve it". i keep repeating that phrase in my mind. say it three times and it's true. more on that later.

next week, victoria and i are going to see nine inch nails in toronto. queens of the stone age and death from above 1979 are opening so it should prove to be a fan-freakin-tastic show. i saw nin the last time they toured in '99 at the ripe old age of 16 with my ex-boyfriend jeremy. i remember being completely baffled at the uncanny ability people had in hotboxing maple leaf gardens. it is a fairly large arena, after all.

is the universe on my side?

long time running

2005-11-02T11:09:00.000-05:00

i've been delinquent lately. things are crazy for me right now and it's making it hard to focus on the simplest tasks, such as blogging. so deal.

in other news, emily of the west town and i hit the party scene saturday night in our fabulous halloween garb and i have the pictures to prove it.

i'm a greek goddess

emily as a bar wench

my lovely co-workers mandy and jocelyne

if venice is sinking, i'm going under. this beauty is religion and it's christened me with wonder

2005-10-24T14:51:00.000-04:00

i wish i was an explorer.

off i would go into parts unknown with no map and no sense of where i could end up.

and you would be there, but as someone else. and i would be someone else too. because our natural selves would never make that journey.

anyway.

i ate a bowl of chocolate ice cream today which is a strict violation of my diet as it is loaded with all of the usual villains: fat, carbs, calories, blah blah blah. i'm only eight days into this thing and i'm already questioning my commitment and bargaining with myself... 'a chocolate bar can't hurt'... 'deep fried chicken wings can't hurt'... oh it goes on and on, but i'll spare you.

if i were an explorer, these trivial agendas would mean so little. plus- i'd be glorously thin anyway because when your mind is consumed with waterways and mountain bridges- you don't have time for such novelties as mounds of junk food.

le sigh.

it might just be clear, simple, and plain. well that's just fine, that's just one of my names

2005-10-23T14:11:00.000-04:00

still here.
still me.
still everything and nothing at all.

what a weird couple of days i've had. it's no secret that i sometimes live my life in a fantasy land, but lately it's like i'm not even checking into reality at all. the things that go on under my skin, in my mind's eye- so far off from where i really am. a word, a look, a thought- and i'm off somewhere visualizing it all and all of the alternatives- all while i'm filling up your glass of coke. it's just so funny to me how things take a different track in my mind when, in reality, i'm just standing there expressionless.

the pink pills are for your sanity...we're buried in the earth because we can't beat gravity

2005-10-21T21:18:00.000-04:00

so today i kicked it old school in toronto with my former roomate and full time amiga, nicole. it's actually the first time i've been back to toronto since i moved and after spending the day there, returning to this shithole was kind of a downer.

nicole and i had a lunch date today. i guess you could say that i'm somewhat of a lunch-a-holic. last night i was telling nick that the reason i do lunch all the time instead of dinner is because i'm so non-committal- but the bigger reason is that i'm never on time for anything. so i think that it's easier to wait forever for someone if it's only lunch than if you're starving to death waiting for dinner. today was a perfect example of this behaviour as i was an hour and a half late for my date with nicole this afternoon because of the following reasons:

1. i missed the 11am train and had to wait until 11:30
2. when i arrived at union station i realized that i had left my wallet (minus my i.d thank god) at home and then had to go to the bank in my old neighbourhood and get a replacement card.
3. it was my cab driver's FIRST DAY on the job/in canada (actually that second part isn't true...it just felt like it)

we had lunch downtown in little italy at a place called regina trattoria. it's my favourite italian restaurant in the city and i feel it's safe to say that they make the best pizza this side of the adriatic. plus their house red wine is ruffino chianti- which has been served at my family's dinner table for 50 years.

so now it's the end of the day and i'm heartsick. i miss it there. i miss my friends, my neighbourhood, the starbucks at bloor and jarvis and even the shit-ass no frills on sherbourne...

miss my head, miss my heart, miss my lungs

this key is to your kingdom, this key is to your heart, neither one a doorway, but both of them a part...

2005-10-21T02:37:00.000-04:00

i went to matt's show tonight in kitchener and it was unbelievable. every time i go and see him, he's somehow better. his range gets broader, the accoustic sets become more introspective and the fans get crazier (me included). it's hard to explain why i'm so affected by this man's music. every song is personal to me somehow. i always start off singing along, and then i just end up staring on, silently in awe of him. for those of you who don't know what the hell i'm talking about, mg is a canadian musical genius, poet, writer and champion of human rights and everyone should grace themselves with the unsuspended perfection that is his art.

for those who do know, it was an incredible show, nicky.

new digital camera

2005-10-19T22:12:00.000-04:00

i bought a digital camera today. oooh yeah. i decided earlier today that i need a good digital camera so that i can take some fabulous pictures at matt good's show tomorrow.

i left the store with this glorious feeling. you know the one; it's that adrenaline rush that can only be brought on by the instant gratification of good old consumerism. i love how impulse buys make you feel so complete within yourself.

north american for life, that's me.

and i've waited on the sidelines, all this time...all this time... and i've a grenade with our names scratched on the side...

2005-10-17T14:44:00.000-04:00

ho hum.

i've been so bored lately. everything is boring. i'm boring myself writing this. it looks strange written out. it makes me feel/look like a spoiled brat. honesty is like that. honesty has never been my thing. it's not that i'm a liar, per se, it's just that i like living in a fantasy land where i feast on my own delusions and the like.

i have this thing that i do, this thing i've always done. when i meet people and talk to them and discover that they're worthwhile, i draw an imaginary line connecting me to them. whenever i get bored with my life- i start doing it again. people that i see, that i meet, that i talk to- i draw a line. i guess i can't articulate it that well, but that's what i do with people. i draw lines, i erase them, i pull them close, i stretch them out- and i'm always connected. when i feel alone and empty- i pull on one of the lines and whoever i need comes into view and i feel better.

this post makes no sense. but i know you understand, ever the eternal optimist.

i had me a vision
i was a fireman
in a time of fires
and i was paralyzed
a robot heart
for a theme park world
whatever keeps us alive
whatever keeps claim
to us being civilized