maybe just to look into your headlight morning glow
my greatest fear is being alone. it's also my absolute worst quality as it causes me to emotionally abuse myself and others because the idea of loneliness is just too terrifying of an alternative.
I want love so badly. I want attention and fixation and infatuation and tenderness and emotion and clarity and purity and depth. I live so much of my life on the surface and it’s really a shame. And the truth of it all is that I’m really terrified that if anyone ever found out what was going on underneath my skin and muscle, deep in the impulses of my brain- they would scream out loud the way I scream inside.
i might delete this tomorrow... i just needed to get it out.
I want love so badly. I want attention and fixation and infatuation and tenderness and emotion and clarity and purity and depth. I live so much of my life on the surface and it’s really a shame. And the truth of it all is that I’m really terrified that if anyone ever found out what was going on underneath my skin and muscle, deep in the impulses of my brain- they would scream out loud the way I scream inside.
i might delete this tomorrow... i just needed to get it out.
posted by diadima at 9:22 PM
9 Comments:
I would be locked up for eternity if people could see what went on in this head. My greatest fear happens to be tornados and somehow I wound up in Kansas of all places to attend college. I've grown used to being alone but I surround myself with friends and associates. Everyday I search the passing faces for someone to share my life with and everyday I beat myself up by thinking they would never want to be with me. Why not? I dont have the cool clothes, my skin isnt perfect, I still use a portable CD-Player. All of this trivial crap drives me insane because it exsists in the material world and if my mind would allow those people to look beyond my skin they would see what a lovely universe I have created for myself. I'll probably delete this in the next hour though.
Have you ever been alone? Maybe that's what's so terrifying: you've never faced it before.
I have cellulite on my butt and thighs and I don't want my husband to see me naked and I feel stuck inside someone else's body.
Oh, and my arms are getting fat, too. That's a new one.
See, we all pick ourselves apart. Except for the assholes who think they're perfect.
I've been craving affection lately like nobody's business. spooning with my dog has been the best I've had in about a month and I'm going crazy.
I'm glad you got it out, I hope you feel better..
Also, I LOVE your makeup!
me too - i admire anyone who can make eyeshadow look like that, and knows how to do more than blend the same 3 shades of brown they've been wearing for 2 years.
i feel the same way about the screaming sometimes too. most of the time though i think the screaming voice in my head is too bored by me to bother. i'm terrified of going out to anything more social than a supermarket - i know that everyone there will look at me and how i'm dressed, how my makeup is done, how my hair has dried weird and how fat i am and they will tell me i'm not supposed to be there. i don't go anywhere anymore, and as such have lost contact with just about every one of my friends.
so now you know what's wrong with ubie and i, i hope you know you don't have to delete it. i haven't felt it for a long time, but reading your post reminds me that we're all in this together. you'll figure out what you need to do xx
dont erase this post
good, honest writing
sorry, but gawd youre lovely...geez
i guess it's somewhat heartening to know that even the beautiful people have their troubles, too...often we ugly folks think that our lives wld be sooooo much better if ONLY we looked like THAT...so, it may be weird, but at least it's nice to know that someone who looks like THAT has their issues as well
I write these kind of posts as well, but I never post them. I just write them (pages and pages) and then save them without publishing them...
I know where you're coming from, though.
I've been alone for over a year now, and most of my life really. Sure there's family and the occasional friend, but it's not really what I'm wanting.
I wish it was something I could get over, or at the very least, get used to, but unfortunately it doesn't quite work that way for me. And while still pretty young, I sometimes feel as though time is running out to find someone.
Then again, I tend to overdramatize things sometimes.
i'm saving it before it disappears.
i can't stop weeping and i know i'll need to see these words again.
this is huge.
thank you.
thank you
everyone.
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