used to be time was crucial

august 31.
where in the hell did the summer go?
what the hell was i doing all this time?

it couldn't have been nothing. but it feels like nothing- now that it's gone.

the end of summer always turns into a time of inventory- what with my birthday a week away and all. last year it was pretty grim. an unprecedented weight gain, another fall without returning to school, the seeds of another failed relationship looming in the midst with a mixture of baseless excuses explaining each thrown in for measure.

at least this fall holds what the last was most lacking: possibility.

i'm optimistic.

and all the gold dust in your eyes will reform into rain

oh these little earthquakes- doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

i can't wrap my mind around it. i cannot understand. regardless of the angle of my approach- each time i end up defeated. each time i am further from it. one minute i'm telling myself that these depths of depravity are merely a chimera of my imagination and the next, i feel suffocated by what i am convinced is an impasse.

too many sharks
too many razor sharp rocks
too many ways to bleed to death
all nestled along your shore.

and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate disintegration

it's these moments of tremendous indecision- wild disbelief at my persistent desire to project- that have me taking inventory of all my obsessions with moral cleanliness. i wonder if its not so much that i confused purity with impurity but rather that i confused purity with novelty. the decay of both are painful for me- but surely, neither could be more painful than giving up. i'm too far gone for the simpler route at this point. far too deep in the woods to ever consider wandering out of my own volition.

i wish history wasn't so haunting.

i wish i was more secure.

i wish you were more convincing.

just when i begin to think there's no chance- you look at me sideways, and in a voice that doesn't sound like your own, say
"why walk when you can take a cab?"
and i wonder if you really believe that to be true.
and i wonder if i'll ever stop thinking that there's still a chance.

i got the job at greenpeace.

litterbugs giveth and greenpeace taketh away

so i got a phone call from greenpeace today saying that my application was hilarious and that they'd like to schedule an interview with me right away. see, i decided that it would be more entertaining if i wrote down true answers to their questions instead of boring ones and it seems to have paid off. at points, i wasn't sure if i was crossing the line from them finding me funny to them questioning my sobriety, but it looks to have paid off.

the interview is wednesday.

that gives me only two more days to purchase and break in a pair of birks. it'll be a squeaker- but i was think i could do it. or maybe if i don't shave my legs in the meantime, it might draw the attention away.

wish me luck.

been tucked in your pocket for the last hundred days and when i don't get my bath i take it out on the slaves

so i applied for a job at greenpeace today.

i know what you're all thinking.
i was thinking it too.

but don't worry, dear friends. i'm not about to relinquish the magically cleansing properties that make up soap and toothpaste. i'm also not about to quit smoking- so back off you long-haired, mangy hippies!

bartending and waitressing is all well and good- but you can only fake-smile your way through the sinfully boring minutae of your customer's lives so many times before you either a)take their lives, b)take your own life, or, c)find another job. so it's come to that. at times when i'm punching out my time card at work i think to myself that if i have to work even one more day there- the end result is going to be carnage. that is to say, i'm only a few short fuses away from going tom cruise on someone's ass. no one wants to see that, least of all me.

so it's time to move along little doggy. greenpeace at least seems like a step in the right- er- left direction. maybe then i'll start curbing my ever-delightful masochistic tendency of reminding myself daily that if i had have finished school instead of taking a break- i'd be done my degree and working somewhere worthwhile by now.

how fun!

the boy next door (a.k.a the boy accross the hall and a few doors down)

it's time for some props.

yesterday and today, i've been reading through all of the blog posts that i've missed out on in the six or so months since i've been a regular blogger. it sucks to be so out of the loop, but at the same time- the entertainment factor of catching up is seemingly limitless. of course, there's one blog out there for which i have a particular soft spot. the story of how/why/when i started my blog was posted here on more than one occasion ages and ages ago- but for those who don't remember, here's a refresher.

two-ish years ago, when i was bored one afternoon, i went to the blog (at the time located on a fraternity website) of one of my former housemates from university residence. i read through its entire contents while eating a box of melba rounds and downing a six pack of root beer. the entries were really moving to me at the time as they contained what i percieved to be genuine feeling and spectacularly intimate writing. as a result of that, i sort of took a failed stab at blogging on my old website before discovering the unendingly superior Blogger software.

it's so funny and strange to mull over my blogger evolution. starting with nam lamore (le sigh- i miss that dude) linking me over a year ago and causing massive traffic on my blog (between 1 and 6 comments per post, holy shizz!!). through nam, i found loz, kallun and louise nillon. through louise i started getting comments from underhill- which given his current blacksheep status seems unfortunate if it weren't for the fact that it was via underhill that i became aquainted with nicky (whom i heart bigtime) and the inexhaustibly wise and entertaining ubermilf. having a group of bloggers to read your words, give their feedback and somehow give you a feeling of genuine support is a shockingly satisfying use of spare time. i'm one lucky bitch to have stumbled upon such a cool group of people. the coolest thing of all was when my blog mentor joined blogger.com and was immediately welcomed into the fold by everyone. i dig that he and nicky (my future husband should i ever flee to kansas) are bff now and that ubie is going to live out her coug fantasies with him. i dig that there are tunes on his blog and oodles of comments. i dig how his blogroll has grown exponentially over the year and most of all, i dig that although the content is more whimsical and fun- it still retains some of the darker, more intimate ramblings that got me hooked on blogging (as well as had me totally in love with him for at least five or six hours) to begin with.

so today is a day of props.

props most assuredly are in order.

props to anthony "my name ain't italian, yo" pereira- tv addict, fellow depressive, microwave chef extraordinaire and checker-loving blogger genius.

see you in the fall, brotha.

i could always change my name if that's what you mean

it's funny how quickly a person can change in your eyes.

that initial fascination with what's unknown- gently fades when the unknown becomes familiar and boring. the people who were fascinating become familiar and boring- and so we cast out another line in search of someone who could sustain that sweet allure of novelty. the mystery of what's unknown- so pallatable and so attractive are all the potential solutuons to this puzzle. the human imagination becomes intoxicated with possibilities. we fantasize about soul mates and finishing one another's sentences- about liking all of the same foods and films- we project the things we desire most onto the people we desire most. and oh how we set ourselves up for cruel disappointment.

such is life.

how odd to see what appeared to be a look of loss on your face-
i swear, i was never that exciting to begin with.