oh these little earthquakes- doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

i can't wrap my mind around it. i cannot understand. regardless of the angle of my approach- each time i end up defeated. each time i am further from it. one minute i'm telling myself that these depths of depravity are merely a chimera of my imagination and the next, i feel suffocated by what i am convinced is an impasse.

too many sharks
too many razor sharp rocks
too many ways to bleed to death
all nestled along your shore.

and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate disintegration

it's these moments of tremendous indecision- wild disbelief at my persistent desire to project- that have me taking inventory of all my obsessions with moral cleanliness. i wonder if its not so much that i confused purity with impurity but rather that i confused purity with novelty. the decay of both are painful for me- but surely, neither could be more painful than giving up. i'm too far gone for the simpler route at this point. far too deep in the woods to ever consider wandering out of my own volition.

i wish history wasn't so haunting.

i wish i was more secure.

i wish you were more convincing.

just when i begin to think there's no chance- you look at me sideways, and in a voice that doesn't sound like your own, say
"why walk when you can take a cab?"
and i wonder if you really believe that to be true.
and i wonder if i'll ever stop thinking that there's still a chance.

i got the job at greenpeace.