the daily grind

not much to write home about these days, but since i'm at the internet cafe, i figured i might as well check in.

i haven't been doing a lot aside from working. things are busy lately- and it seems like i'm not getting much else done. i found some milk in the back of my fridge yesterday that was as solid as a brick and when i tried to pour it down the drain, it make this vile sludgy sound as bits of it peeled away from the solid section and plopped into the sink. the expiriation date was july 23. what can i say...haven't looked in my fridge in a while, it would seem.
i also found some butter that has been in there since i moved in. there's no expiration date on the butter, so i'm wondering how long butter stays good for. it's been nine months- i guess i should just throw it out, but i want to find out for sure first. waste not, want not and all that.

i'd like to announce that benny has now mastered sit, lay down, roll over and shake-a-paw. he's a damn genius, he is.

that's it for now.

tomorrow i get to be field manager for greenpeace, i'll let you know how my first day of added responsibility goes. try not to fall off of the edge of your seats waiting.

stay green...peace!

first words and last words

were she here, emily would raise an eyebrow to me for thinking the following...

i really didn't think i'd be here again.

i thought i was past being here again.

i can't think of a worse day off.
for all it got me, i should have worked. then i wouldn't be here. in this place. in this space. in this state of confusion. with this upset stomach.

just one of those days.
from the start, things weren't right- and by the end they were worse. the kind of day that blindsides you. the kind of words that blindside you.

in university, i had an english professor who was fixated on opening and closing lines of plays. first and last words. she thought there was so much meaning to unearth in them. admittedly, it was really interesting to discuss the correlation.

although i can't recall the first words right now...the last ones tonight were along the lines of, 'you think you're the fucking princess and the pea...'

but i don't.
i never have.
and if anything, i thought you would know it by now.

evening out + boredom reigns = double post

ah, remember the days of regular double-posting? just when you all thought those days were over what with the no internet access and all, and yet i suprise you thus. oh me, so full of surprises.

here and now.

things move quickly. lately i've been too caught up to notice much of what's happening around me other than the sheer velocity. in light of this, i've decided it's time to record some random thoughts before they pass me by.

1. this internet cafe is a thousand degrees.

2. i wish i was better at teaching people about greenpeace. at this point i just can't understand how anyone can close the door on me. it's as though people think we're lying about the state of the environment- which is so utterly senseless that i simply cannot grasp it.

3. i think i am addicted to lemon-lime gatorade. delicious genetically engineered lemon-lime gatorade...help!

4. i'm afraid that my dog will never be housebroken because i'm too defficient to train him properly.

5. this internet cafe is a thousand degrees.

6. i'm concerned about you never admitting to any concrete feeling. it's a constant source of dehabilitating insecurity for me, the likes of which i'll likely never fully explain to you.

7. i (almost) never apologize and i sometimes wonder what that says about my character.

8. earlier in the week i met a customer at the west town who said that faces haunt him. he said he recognized me from somewhere but couldn't remember where- and so my face was one of the haunting faces. i saw him again two days later when i canvassed his door and he held his arm outstretched pointing at me, saying "it's you!".

9. the last kiss has opened and i want to go and see it.

10. this internet cafe is a thousand degrees.

here and now- it's dizzying.

time flies

work work work, so it goes.

thanks to everyone for the fantastic birthday wishes- to be so loved...le sigh.

my birthday went much nicer than my barfday. i had a prosperous evening of greenpeace fundraising followed by an enormously enjoyable evening of getting drunk with the lovely miss katrina devine.

since then, it's just been work and more work. seven days a week is beginning to really tire me out but it will all be worth it when i have a car to get around in.

until then...

please go to greenpeace international to become a member today. we need your suuport in order to continue working toward a green and peaceful future. plus- you get a cool greenpeace t-shirt. a healthy planet and a t-shirt, what more could we ask for?

deli-cinq

so tuesday was training day with greenpeace.

it was five hours of learning about greenpeace's causes, campaigns, successes and history. it was just so much information in one shot that i was completely exhausted by the end of it. i felt really energized throughout the process but as soon as i stepped outside to go home i just wanted to pass out in the grass and sleep for many many hours.

yesterday wasn't so smooth.

everything was fine all day. i was fine all day. went to work- we talked about what you say to people when you approach them and how to read body language. fine. we got ready to head out. fine. i watched and listened and learned a lot from the girl i was working with. fine, fine, fine. then, a few hours into it, i got this really intense headache that started off bad and worsened over about an hour. eventually, i was so nauseous from it that i had to go home. here's the fun part: about halfway home- i threw up in the cab. it was magical. i asked monsieur cabby to pull over so that i could continue throwing up on the street as the bewildered pedestrians passed me by.

eesh.

i hope tonight goes a little more smoothly.

23 years old today, i am

he doesn't look a thing like jesus

but he talks like a gentleman
like you imagined when
you were young

today is my last day of work freedom.
starting tomorrow- i won't have another day off until december. in some ways i'm actually looking forward to this as more of a salvation than a prison sentence.

a bit shocking even to me, but you see, for people like me idle hands are the devil's playthings. i have to be consistently focused on doing various tasks to prevent the thing i despise most- being alone with myself. it's a sad to see that in print, but all the same- there it is. i feel that there would be a chance of it becomming less true if i were doing something that i thought was worthwhile. in many ways, it's already beginning. i have benny now- and he's the world to me. it's funny how he gives me so much more than i give him and they ask so little, which is wildly refreshing. i highly reccommend getting a dog to anyone who has the time/funds/inclination.

also i have this greenpeace job now. it starts on tuesday which is equal parts exhilarating and terrifying. exhilarating to be doing something other than polluting people with alcohol and shitty food; but also terrifying because it will require much more of me than polluting people with alcohol and shitty food. work has been a mechanical function for me for so many years now that the prospect of using my brain again is somewhat worrisome. fretting about that is also worrisome- as one might imagine. why would i be worried about using my brain again? mostly because failing when you actually care/try is far worse than failing at a perfect 1/2 inch head on a pint.

it's just that i feel that i'm failing at so many other things at this point in my life that a little success at this could go a long way. so i hope for it. but i try not to hope for it because that always turns out to be exactly the point at which the wheels fall off the wagon. if i could only comfortably explain how applicable that has been in my life. instead, a cliche for your viewing pleasure...

there's a thin line between love and hate