nothing changes...nothings changes except the red lights
What's all this talk about planning for the crisis
I'm not thinking like that at all
Smiling faces are my Dionysus
I'm not thinking clear at all
i sometimes feel like music is my killer and my saviour all at once.
for example- two years ago i lived amongst a crowd of people and it was the lonliest and lowest i've ever felt. i've mentioned before how at the height of my depression i stayed in my room with the lights out and the sheets pulled over my head, ignoring the notes people pushed under the threshold and constant banging on the door asking where i was. through all of that, i listened to four cds on repeat that somehow made me feel better and worse simultaneously.
so now it's two years later, i throw on a double cd by The Watchmen and i get that familiar life-ending feeling. it's this sinking pull that threatens to swallow my heart and lungs into a soggy pile in the pit of my stomach.
in other words, instant nausea.
and what's worse, i can't/won't turn the cd off. sometimes it's like i want to rehash. i listen to these songs again, i re-read all of the darkness that i wrote out on lined paper, i close my eyes and pull my chin against my chest and i relive the disorganization that i felt internally and i remind myself that i wanted to die.
then i hear the shuffling sound of my stereo changing discs.
so i open my eyes, brush my hair out of my face, and go in the kitchen for some left over pumpkin pie.
this ain't real baby...i've got a better excuse for myself
i'm always here
i'm always here
i'm always here
i'm always here
I'm not thinking like that at all
Smiling faces are my Dionysus
I'm not thinking clear at all
i sometimes feel like music is my killer and my saviour all at once.
for example- two years ago i lived amongst a crowd of people and it was the lonliest and lowest i've ever felt. i've mentioned before how at the height of my depression i stayed in my room with the lights out and the sheets pulled over my head, ignoring the notes people pushed under the threshold and constant banging on the door asking where i was. through all of that, i listened to four cds on repeat that somehow made me feel better and worse simultaneously.
so now it's two years later, i throw on a double cd by The Watchmen and i get that familiar life-ending feeling. it's this sinking pull that threatens to swallow my heart and lungs into a soggy pile in the pit of my stomach.
in other words, instant nausea.
and what's worse, i can't/won't turn the cd off. sometimes it's like i want to rehash. i listen to these songs again, i re-read all of the darkness that i wrote out on lined paper, i close my eyes and pull my chin against my chest and i relive the disorganization that i felt internally and i remind myself that i wanted to die.
then i hear the shuffling sound of my stereo changing discs.
so i open my eyes, brush my hair out of my face, and go in the kitchen for some left over pumpkin pie.
this ain't real baby...i've got a better excuse for myself
i'm always here
i'm always here
i'm always here
i'm always here
posted by diadima at 1:10 PM
4 Comments:
After I was picked up out of the gutter by my friends and family, I sometimes would revert back to the shell of a man that I was, just to feel the pain of it all. It kind of reminded me where I had been and where I was now. While I don't think that it is healthy, I do think it is neccessary. For me at least. It helps me stay where I am, because I certainly don't want to be where I was.
I totally understand where you are coming from on this one. I was in a major depression throughout my high school years. I wanted to die. I really thought about it, thought it out. How, when, note...it was the worst time of my life. There are songs I have that are associated with that time that take me right back to that place. As an artist, I go there often. Much of my design work is influenced by that time in my life. I don't know if it's good or bad, but it's what I do. I think it helps me appreciate (much like what Nick said)how far I have come and how easily it would be to slip back into that "headspace." To me, it's okay to look back, just don't go back.
please dia, throw the cd away.
I went through a depression in 3-4th year, and I know what you mean about music. I hear a song I felt "spoke to me" when I was depressed and I can feel it overwhelm me.
Don't throw away the cd, just don't listen to it alone. Nick is right, it helps remind you how far you have come!
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