an explosion is imminent
one of those days...
today, if given the means, i feel that i could be capable of unspeakable horror. work was shit. tired of dealing with idiots, i am. on top of everything else- i don't need to hear that your pop is flat or that you'd like a vegetarian western despite not liking any of the vegetable ingredients listed.
one of those days... need to get it all out before i give into the compelling urge to throw myself in front of a moving vehicle (no point anyway, since they always slow down...)
irresponsible
disrespectful
cruel
hateful
thoughtless
inconsiderate
all of these things i've been called
all for wanting someone else
i can't change it
i can't fix it
i can't control it
it is what it is
i am what i am
a montstrous champion of human depravity
what can i hope to gain from any of it?
best case scenario: it's all just a mild neurosis, entirely treatable
worst case scenario: it's all true.
either way...
so tonight i'm hiding out at an internet cafe because there are kitchen knives, blunt instruments, etc, all within arms reach at the apartment. every time i leave, i'm a little concerned that all of my belongings will be set aflame in my absence- but i'm still undecided as to what's worse (losing everything, or confrontation...which is just another way of losing, in the end).
if it's all my fault i accept it.
right, wrong, cruel, painful- all i can do is accept it and move on. talking things to death, yelling, accusing, flinging insults...it accomplishes nothing. it's all in vain. there's no nutrition in anger and every night i fall asleep with an empty stomach.
hopefully apartment hunting tomorrow leads to some fruition.
"but you...you're dragging this misery on
just leave this thing for a while
it's too far gone...too far gone"
today, if given the means, i feel that i could be capable of unspeakable horror. work was shit. tired of dealing with idiots, i am. on top of everything else- i don't need to hear that your pop is flat or that you'd like a vegetarian western despite not liking any of the vegetable ingredients listed.
one of those days... need to get it all out before i give into the compelling urge to throw myself in front of a moving vehicle (no point anyway, since they always slow down...)
irresponsible
disrespectful
cruel
hateful
thoughtless
inconsiderate
all of these things i've been called
all for wanting someone else
i can't change it
i can't fix it
i can't control it
it is what it is
i am what i am
a montstrous champion of human depravity
what can i hope to gain from any of it?
best case scenario: it's all just a mild neurosis, entirely treatable
worst case scenario: it's all true.
either way...
so tonight i'm hiding out at an internet cafe because there are kitchen knives, blunt instruments, etc, all within arms reach at the apartment. every time i leave, i'm a little concerned that all of my belongings will be set aflame in my absence- but i'm still undecided as to what's worse (losing everything, or confrontation...which is just another way of losing, in the end).
if it's all my fault i accept it.
right, wrong, cruel, painful- all i can do is accept it and move on. talking things to death, yelling, accusing, flinging insults...it accomplishes nothing. it's all in vain. there's no nutrition in anger and every night i fall asleep with an empty stomach.
hopefully apartment hunting tomorrow leads to some fruition.
"but you...you're dragging this misery on
just leave this thing for a while
it's too far gone...too far gone"
posted by diadima at 8:15 PM
5 Comments:
Sorry you're struggling so much right now, dia. I can only guess at what's going on, and since I can guess wrong better than I can guess right, I guess I won't guess at all.
But whatever your situation, try not to let circumstances start to overtake you. Make space, take time, sure, but make your choices as quickly as you can, and then, act.
like owl i can only guess, but i dont want to presume.
hope the fallout from the explosion isn't more than you can handle.
You are too strong to let this take you down with it. I know this to be true.
People who love you want you to be happy.
They don't hurl insults at you to bully you into giving them their own way, or punish you for not giving them what they want at the expense of your own happiness.
Temporary misery is preferable to years, or perhaps even a lifetime, of misery.
There's a light at the end of the tunnel and you WILL escape this. Take heart.
i know i often make smart-alecky comments in here
but seriously, when u feel like this, you shld try going for a walk...does wonders, any time of the day or night
last night, i was soooo bored, just bouncing off the walls of my room...went out for a midnight stroll and recovered my zen
try it sometime
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