close the light and don't forget, i love you till the end.
tonight i watched the rules of attraction.
the last time i saw it, i was still living in residence. or rather, living down residence. i was never more unhappy or undone as i was in those last few months that i spent there. it's crazy how it was supposed to be this freeing experience where i'd make all these fantastic friends and memories and it just turned into a series of equally painful and humiliating events that continue to drive me insane. i guess it was mostly okay in the beginning, but by the end of january i was failing everything due to an increase in skipping class to stay in my room, and getting drunk alone by the freezing cold window which was never shut so i wouldn't get caught chainsmoking. dropping out was essentially an afterthought as i'm pretty sure they would have kicked me out anyway.
as i said, it wasn't all bad. i met some cool people. and also some souless ones.
well.
one souless one. who never ceases to continue destroying me. who stood in my room and told me that he was a piece of shit who couldn't deal instead of just coming clean about how he wanted to fuck as many girls as possible before freshman year was out.
oops.
i'm sure i'll hear about that one.
and in the meantime...
when are you going to stop caving in the ceiling on me?
fucking dawson.
the last time i saw it, i was still living in residence. or rather, living down residence. i was never more unhappy or undone as i was in those last few months that i spent there. it's crazy how it was supposed to be this freeing experience where i'd make all these fantastic friends and memories and it just turned into a series of equally painful and humiliating events that continue to drive me insane. i guess it was mostly okay in the beginning, but by the end of january i was failing everything due to an increase in skipping class to stay in my room, and getting drunk alone by the freezing cold window which was never shut so i wouldn't get caught chainsmoking. dropping out was essentially an afterthought as i'm pretty sure they would have kicked me out anyway.
as i said, it wasn't all bad. i met some cool people. and also some souless ones.
well.
one souless one. who never ceases to continue destroying me. who stood in my room and told me that he was a piece of shit who couldn't deal instead of just coming clean about how he wanted to fuck as many girls as possible before freshman year was out.
oops.
i'm sure i'll hear about that one.
and in the meantime...
when are you going to stop caving in the ceiling on me?
fucking dawson.
posted by diadima at 12:23 AM
26 Comments:
When I was away at college, the last month I was there I slept in a friend of mine's basement. I even had my own apartment and I couldn't go there because of how it made me feel. The last week before I moved home for good, I skipped town without telling anyone. I went to my best friends (Grant) place and slept on his floor. As I said no one knew where I was except him. My parents thought I was dead, because my roommates hadn't seen me and I would've stayed there and drank myself into a cowards grave if I hadn't been ratted out by Grant's mom. Depression and self loathing are a hell of a thing. I had been depressed before but it never consumed my being to the point where I didn't care about anything anymore. Especially not my well being.
Then one day my Dad showed up at Grant's place at 6am. He took me out to breakfast and we had a long talk. He told me everything was going to be alright, and though I did not believe him at the time, I realize now that he was right.
I really got off track here. I'm not sure how this is relevant or helpful in anyway. Sorry to have taken up so much comment space with this pointless story.
aw nick
you're my special little guy and you can take up as much space as you like.
Does your kindness know no boundaries?
i just wanna squeeze you so hard right now..
yhsgevms
yer hungry so get eggvomit myway somehow
sorry, couldnt resist..i want this letter thingy too
sometimes you have to chase down your demons before they get you, and guys are usually the worst demons of all.
i felt the same way when i was living in QLD, like the whole experience was supposed to turn me into a different, more exciting person. All it did was bring to the surface everything I had run away from... and make me more miserable than I ever had been.
in short, i hear ya. good luck.
It's amazing to me how colleges across the world seem to forget to look after their students. I don't understand it. Teenage suicide is a huge problem, let alone depression, and the trappings of alcohol, drugs, and exploitative people. I'm so sorry you suffered this. Hopefully you'll get over it in your own way.
nick: keep all this sweetness in mind the next time i 'accidentally' go to home depot.
lilred: i bet you give wicked hugs. to get the 'letter thingy' go into your blog settings and select it as an option. it keeps spam to a minimum.
loz: that's what was so disappointing. i had all these ideas about living on campus and then little by little- things started to slip away from me (grades, happiness, sleep).
owl: they had counsellors on campus. i could have gone at any time except that i felt i could deal with things in my own way. of course that never happened and things just kept worsening and worsening until i went back home and started forgetting. the reason i didn't go back to school in september is because when i went back to register for classes the mere sight of my residence made me feel sick to my stomach. of course, later on when the campus filled up again with the same people (person) i felt like i was sinking inside- so i took a year off.
when i dropped out i was offered counselling by the university- but i felt like i would be wasting everyone's time because i thought my problems were superficial and that the counsellors would just think i was a spoiled bitch.
then a horrible thing happened last fall that changed everything for me. i worked as a receptionist for a psychiatrist in toronto. three weeks after i started there- he committed suicide by way of stabbing himself to death. i felt like he must have really hated himself to inflict such a horrible, slow death on himself and i knew that i was nowhere near as far gone as him so i just chose to get over it.
i just made the choice. these days things will trigger me here and there (that movie last night, for example) but for the most part i just think of him and how everyone was wailing at his funeral and it brings me back to earth, so to speak.
I want to think before I comment on this.
Nick... wow. I didn't know this. Now I will be nice to you for another 48 hours. Or so.
I'll be back when SpongeBob isn't on in the background.
I've got no words of wisdom either. I got quite depressed in third year, and got lucky enough to get counselling at school. If it weren't for that I could have easily dropped out.
I think we all go through times where we freak out, as you can tell through your comments!
Everyone would get hugs from me.
Lil'red, where have you been?
depressed, thats where ive been.
notice how we all flock together? is there anyone in our group that hasnt been thru serious depression?
oh goddam, I remember the loneliness and isolation.
that's a very unsettling thought, a mental health professional committing suicide. i wonder why he wasn't able to get help.
i don't think we should see our problems as being less serious than someone else's - ie. no one would have thought you were a shallow bitch - but I guess we all do. I know I definitely do, I think to myself 'so I feel this certain way about myself and it's generally based around how i look and how interesting a person i may or may not be - so what? people out there have real problems'. But anything that is a problem for you IS a real problem and something you shouldn't feel silly about getting help for.
listen to me, going on like an grown-up. i went to one session with a psychologist and chickened out because i didn't want to spend an hour each week crying over my silly problems. i'm starting to realise that my silly problems have caused me to create major problems as a result of this depression I'm still too scared to treat.
anyway, long comment short, thank you for posting about your own experiences... lilred is right, we're like a depression club - but i think it's good for us to see these things reflected in each other. real comforting like.
whoa. maybe i drank too much wine at the open stage last night tony, but when i came home and read your comment, i started to cry. it's a good thing i waited until this morning to post a reply because i'm sure i would have offered to sleep with you. it doesn't matter whether anyone fully realized how far gone i was- if you noticed at all then it goes to show that it wasn't something i just made up. only because i sometimes wonder if i created this depressive state out of nothing to avoid dealing with reality.
lmk: props to huggers.
lilred: i think that's secretly why we all get along. it's like a suffer together support group.
underhill: it's not the person specifically- it's more about what i allowed myself to sink to during and after. i generally give him credit for a lot more than he was responsible for but essentially- he convinced me to trust him into revealing things about my life that he was in no way prepared to deal with in the end. i took that to mean that no one ever would. that's depression- you bring most of it on yourself i guess. and the thing is- i'm the only person i can't get away from; everywhere i go- there i am.
loz: psychiatrists are #2 on the 'most likely professional to kill themself' list. dentists are #1
where do you see sandra, underhill?
Where is this Dawson? I'm in a pissy mood and he sounds like he deserves a good beating.
ubie:
dawson is a t.v character played by james van der beek. and james van der beek plays the lead character sean bateman in the rules of attraction.
ergo- to give dawson a beating, you'd have to go out to l.a where he lives.
It'd be worth it.
I'd give you a place to stay after the beating...
ubie, i am very disappointed that you didnt get that dawson thing. please go read my post..dawson and joey, will they ever do it? its an old one, obviously, since they have indeed ..done it!
did dawson and joey ever actually do it? i thought it was just joey and pacey....
Pacey was a twat.
Dawson was the twat... big girls blouse that he was.
At least Pacey had balls, until they wrote him into a stupid soppy storyline.
What am I saying? I don't know anything about those damn Dawson's River kids.
canada is THE country, malcolm
speaking of which, my own dawson just came back to haunt me. he likes to do that every so often, just in case i'd had a chance to get over him at all.
You want, I should kill him?
yes please!
maybe that's a bit harsh. how about you just snap him in half, that way he can be glued back together in a show of mercy?
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