an inventive imagination
i'm having a hard time dealing lately.
in defiance of logic, it seems that i'm not entitled to any of the feelings that i have because then i'm competing in the 'who's more stressed' game. since i don't have much competitive spirit- i'm fine with folding and going along with it.
a lot of the time- i get asked a question where the answer has already been decided. then it doesn't matter what i say, because unless i agree with the decided answer- i'm wrong, or lying, or whatever. it's ridiculous. it's unfair. it's making me feel psycho even though i know i'm not.
if you think all women are liars, fine- but for the record, i'm not.
if you think i only care about your job, fine- but for the record, i don't.
if you think i give a shit about your money, fine- but for the record, i never have.
if you think you'll honestly never be able to have a normal relationship because your work is too time consuming and too important, fine- but for the record, that's insane.
i see how it would make things easier if all of those things were true- but they just aren't. i'm a good person. making me feel bad about myself doesn't change that.
in the midst of all of this- i just can't let go yet.
i know there was something- a connection- i can't forget it.
i just want to be loved.
i just want to be happy.
i just want to be happy and loved.
why must it be so difficult?
in defiance of logic, it seems that i'm not entitled to any of the feelings that i have because then i'm competing in the 'who's more stressed' game. since i don't have much competitive spirit- i'm fine with folding and going along with it.
a lot of the time- i get asked a question where the answer has already been decided. then it doesn't matter what i say, because unless i agree with the decided answer- i'm wrong, or lying, or whatever. it's ridiculous. it's unfair. it's making me feel psycho even though i know i'm not.
if you think all women are liars, fine- but for the record, i'm not.
if you think i only care about your job, fine- but for the record, i don't.
if you think i give a shit about your money, fine- but for the record, i never have.
if you think you'll honestly never be able to have a normal relationship because your work is too time consuming and too important, fine- but for the record, that's insane.
i see how it would make things easier if all of those things were true- but they just aren't. i'm a good person. making me feel bad about myself doesn't change that.
in the midst of all of this- i just can't let go yet.
i know there was something- a connection- i can't forget it.
i just want to be loved.
i just want to be happy.
i just want to be happy and loved.
why must it be so difficult?
posted by diadima at 12:52 AM
5 Comments:
having just read a book about depression i got from my doctor, i'm a bit worried to read that you just keep your feelings and your problems bubbling under for the sake of someone else.
the rest of your post is fantastically insightful though - such wisdom i can never relate to!!
i'm with you in wanting to be happy and loved... since it's something we're all looking for i don't know why it should be so hard. unless maybe we're looking for the wrong kinds of happy and loved?
Cause ya live in Hamilton . You're never gonna find love in dat city . Move to Barrie or Toronto or Montreal or somewhere else .LOL
I know what you mean about not being able to express problems to someone, but if you can't then how will you ever get passed them?
Contact with this person obviously causes you pain.
I still want to hit him with a rubber chicken. This time, I want to stick a brick inside.
Someone who loves you wouldn't deliberately cause you pain, or make excuses for why you should put up with a situation you don't want to be in.
Hello Diadima or Bella or Adria. :-) Thanks for your kind words and for linking to my blog. I just read yours, at least the entries on your main page. I’m so sorry to hear of your break up. I can relate to that pain well. By way of encouragement, just want you to know that it is temporary (which I know doesn’t make it any easier). I’ve come to the conclusion that relationships only exist so that we may better learn to love ourselves. That all the people we get in relationship with are there to teach us, and sometimes there comes a time when we need a new teacher. Not sure if any of that makes sense, but I’m older than you and have a couple of divorces under my belt, so I figure I’ll try to share if it helps, and if it doesn’t, no harm done.
Also, you are very gifted. Your writing and insights are much more sophisticated than your age suggests. Another suggestion, let your pain, sadness, anger fuel your expression. Write, draw, journal like crazy. My most fruitful periods were usually dark ones. You have a rare gift of expressing your feelings and your situation with humor, clarity, emotion and depth. I enjoyed and related to so much I read, wishing for a terminal illness, loud neighbor alarm clocks, the spelling of grey, and bizarre non sequiturs.
Keep writing. The world needs your voice. :-)
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