Friday, March 03, 2006

wave, smile, do something

i think i'm suffering from stockholm syndrome.

really.

it's the only explanation that could account for why i continuously hold on and attempt to justify and even sympathize with actions that leave me feeling like (for lack of a better descriptive) nothing.

i don't understand, but i want to.
i care, but i wish i didn't.

i have a habit of writing long and detailed entries for this blog that i end up never posting. i just save them as drafts. over the past few days i've been trying o re-trace my steps back to the point when i first believed in this (and you) and why. re-reading some of the drafts that i've written over the past four months is nothing short of astonishing. i used words like sensitive, understanding, gentle, accepting, clear-headed, honest...

part of me wonders if i secretly knew all along that i was heading for punishment...and whether or not i participated willingly because i thought that, on some level, i deserved it.

3 Comments:

Blogger Loz said...

i don't think you willingly headed for punishment - I think that really we all hope that sometimes these things will turn out good instead of bad for a change. and having some optimism and hope isn't something to dislike about yourself.

1:14 AM  
Blogger diadima said...

loz: i know it shouldn't be...but it is ever increasingly becoming something to dislike about myself.

wbb: you basically got the stockholm syndrome thing bang on. at times it does feel like a hostage situation in a sense that i don't feel in control and yet i constantly justify the way i'm treated. the bottom line though- is that i've put myself into this position.

it's all too confusing.

also- i've had you vicariously blogrolled through other people on my roll- meaning that i clicked on your link while visiting their blogs. i just recently decided to cut out the middle man :)

12:20 AM  
Blogger wallycrawler said...

Naw it's just the winter blahhhs . You'll be great in a month or so . I suggest get'n drunk and call'n an old boyfriend or girlfriend whatever . Ya live in Canada every year at this time I feel that way . Plus ya live in Hamilton !

5:46 AM  

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