wave, smile, do something
i think i'm suffering from stockholm syndrome.
really.
it's the only explanation that could account for why i continuously hold on and attempt to justify and even sympathize with actions that leave me feeling like (for lack of a better descriptive) nothing.
i don't understand, but i want to.
i care, but i wish i didn't.
i have a habit of writing long and detailed entries for this blog that i end up never posting. i just save them as drafts. over the past few days i've been trying o re-trace my steps back to the point when i first believed in this (and you) and why. re-reading some of the drafts that i've written over the past four months is nothing short of astonishing. i used words like sensitive, understanding, gentle, accepting, clear-headed, honest...
part of me wonders if i secretly knew all along that i was heading for punishment...and whether or not i participated willingly because i thought that, on some level, i deserved it.
really.
it's the only explanation that could account for why i continuously hold on and attempt to justify and even sympathize with actions that leave me feeling like (for lack of a better descriptive) nothing.
i don't understand, but i want to.
i care, but i wish i didn't.
i have a habit of writing long and detailed entries for this blog that i end up never posting. i just save them as drafts. over the past few days i've been trying o re-trace my steps back to the point when i first believed in this (and you) and why. re-reading some of the drafts that i've written over the past four months is nothing short of astonishing. i used words like sensitive, understanding, gentle, accepting, clear-headed, honest...
part of me wonders if i secretly knew all along that i was heading for punishment...and whether or not i participated willingly because i thought that, on some level, i deserved it.
posted by diadima at 10:17 PM
3 Comments:
i don't think you willingly headed for punishment - I think that really we all hope that sometimes these things will turn out good instead of bad for a change. and having some optimism and hope isn't something to dislike about yourself.
loz: i know it shouldn't be...but it is ever increasingly becoming something to dislike about myself.
wbb: you basically got the stockholm syndrome thing bang on. at times it does feel like a hostage situation in a sense that i don't feel in control and yet i constantly justify the way i'm treated. the bottom line though- is that i've put myself into this position.
it's all too confusing.
also- i've had you vicariously blogrolled through other people on my roll- meaning that i clicked on your link while visiting their blogs. i just recently decided to cut out the middle man :)
Naw it's just the winter blahhhs . You'll be great in a month or so . I suggest get'n drunk and call'n an old boyfriend or girlfriend whatever . Ya live in Canada every year at this time I feel that way . Plus ya live in Hamilton !
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