if venice is sinking, i'm going under. this beauty is religion and it's christened me with wonder

i wish i was an explorer.

off i would go into parts unknown with no map and no sense of where i could end up.

and you would be there, but as someone else. and i would be someone else too. because our natural selves would never make that journey.

anyway.

i ate a bowl of chocolate ice cream today which is a strict violation of my diet as it is loaded with all of the usual villains: fat, carbs, calories, blah blah blah. i'm only eight days into this thing and i'm already questioning my commitment and bargaining with myself... 'a chocolate bar can't hurt'... 'deep fried chicken wings can't hurt'... oh it goes on and on, but i'll spare you.

if i were an explorer, these trivial agendas would mean so little. plus- i'd be glorously thin anyway because when your mind is consumed with waterways and mountain bridges- you don't have time for such novelties as mounds of junk food.

le sigh.

it might just be clear, simple, and plain. well that's just fine, that's just one of my names

still here.
still me.
still everything and nothing at all.

what a weird couple of days i've had. it's no secret that i sometimes live my life in a fantasy land, but lately it's like i'm not even checking into reality at all. the things that go on under my skin, in my mind's eye- so far off from where i really am. a word, a look, a thought- and i'm off somewhere visualizing it all and all of the alternatives- all while i'm filling up your glass of coke. it's just so funny to me how things take a different track in my mind when, in reality, i'm just standing there expressionless.

the pink pills are for your sanity...we're buried in the earth because we can't beat gravity

so today i kicked it old school in toronto with my former roomate and full time amiga, nicole. it's actually the first time i've been back to toronto since i moved and after spending the day there, returning to this shithole was kind of a downer.

nicole and i had a lunch date today. i guess you could say that i'm somewhat of a lunch-a-holic. last night i was telling nick that the reason i do lunch all the time instead of dinner is because i'm so non-committal- but the bigger reason is that i'm never on time for anything. so i think that it's easier to wait forever for someone if it's only lunch than if you're starving to death waiting for dinner. today was a perfect example of this behaviour as i was an hour and a half late for my date with nicole this afternoon because of the following reasons:

1. i missed the 11am train and had to wait until 11:30
2. when i arrived at union station i realized that i had left my wallet (minus my i.d thank god) at home and then had to go to the bank in my old neighbourhood and get a replacement card.
3. it was my cab driver's FIRST DAY on the job/in canada (actually that second part isn't true...it just felt like it)

we had lunch downtown in little italy at a place called regina trattoria. it's my favourite italian restaurant in the city and i feel it's safe to say that they make the best pizza this side of the adriatic. plus their house red wine is ruffino chianti- which has been served at my family's dinner table for 50 years.

so now it's the end of the day and i'm heartsick. i miss it there. i miss my friends, my neighbourhood, the starbucks at bloor and jarvis and even the shit-ass no frills on sherbourne...

miss my head, miss my heart, miss my lungs 

this key is to your kingdom, this key is to your heart, neither one a doorway, but both of them a part...

i went to matt's show tonight in kitchener and it was unbelievable. every time i go and see him, he's somehow better. his range gets broader, the accoustic sets become more introspective and the fans get crazier (me included). it's hard to explain why i'm so affected by this man's music. every song is personal to me somehow. i always start off singing along, and then i just end up staring on, silently in awe of him. for those of you who don't know what the hell i'm talking about, mg is a canadian musical genius, poet, writer and champion of human rights and everyone should grace themselves with the unsuspended perfection that is his art.

for those who do know, it was an incredible show, nicky.

new digital camera

i bought a digital camera today. oooh yeah. i decided earlier today that i need a good digital camera so that i can take some fabulous pictures at matt good's show tomorrow.

i left the store with this glorious feeling. you know the one; it's that adrenaline rush that can only be brought on by the instant gratification of good old consumerism. i love how impulse buys make you feel so complete within yourself.

north american for life, that's me. 

and i've waited on the sidelines, all this time...all this time... and i've a grenade with our names scratched on the side...

ho hum.

i've been so bored lately. everything is boring. i'm boring myself writing this. it looks strange written out. it makes me feel/look like a spoiled brat. honesty is like that. honesty has never been my thing. it's not that i'm a liar, per se, it's just that i like living in a fantasy land where i feast on my own delusions and the like.

i have this thing that i do, this thing i've always done. when i meet people and talk to them and discover that they're worthwhile, i draw an imaginary line connecting me to them. whenever i get bored with my life- i start doing it again. people that i see, that i meet, that i talk to- i draw a line. i guess i can't articulate it that well, but that's what i do with people. i draw lines, i erase them, i pull them close, i stretch them out- and i'm always connected. when i feel alone and empty- i pull on one of the lines and whoever i need comes into view and i feel better.

this post makes no sense. but i know you understand, ever the eternal optimist.

i had me a vision
i was a fireman
in a time of fires
and i was paralyzed
a robot heart
for a theme park world
whatever keeps us alive
whatever keeps claim
to us being civilized

ModishGirL

i got my hair cut today. my hair stylist describes is as a 'mod-ish shoulder-length bob'. personally, when i think mod, i think of twiggy and mondrian dresses. but i'll take what i can get. i was thinking of doing something drastic a la cassandra from america's next top model (translation: waist length brown hair cut into a blonde, mia farrow-circa-rosemary's baby type thing) but then i found out how ridiculously expensive it is to have your hair repeatedly bleached and the cheap skate in me decided against it, for now.

after i left the salon, i was still sort of toying with the idea until i went to visit mark at work. i told him about my idea of a really drastic, short, textured hair cut like cassandra from antm (that's right dudes, he watches it with me, albeit against his will). suddenly, he gets this wide-eyed look on his face,

"you would go blonde, too?"

"yeah, maybe"

"oh...that's hot," he continued, all excited and drooly, "it would be like sleeping with a total stranger!"

"........"

duuuuuuude. based on that particular case of verbal diarrhea, i can safely say that i'll be a shoulder length brunette for a long, long time.


 
 

better than hnt

i'm not much for hnt, and seeing as beloved blogger kallun asked for more pictures of monica, here she is!

 
 

nothing changes...nothings changes except the red lights

What's all this talk about planning for the crisis
I'm not thinking like that at all
Smiling faces are my Dionysus
I'm not thinking clear at all

i sometimes feel like music is my killer and my saviour all at once.

for example- two years ago i lived amongst a crowd of people and it was the lonliest and lowest i've ever felt. i've mentioned before how at the height of my depression i stayed in my room with the lights out and the sheets pulled over my head, ignoring the notes people pushed under the threshold and constant banging on the door asking where i was. through all of that, i listened to four cds on repeat that somehow made me feel better and worse simultaneously.

so now it's two years later, i throw on a double cd by The Watchmen and i get that familiar life-ending feeling. it's this sinking pull that threatens to swallow my heart and lungs into a soggy pile in the pit of my stomach.

in other words, instant nausea.

and what's worse, i can't/won't turn the cd off. sometimes it's like i want to rehash. i listen to these songs again, i re-read all of the darkness that i wrote out on lined paper, i close my eyes and pull my chin against my chest and i relive the disorganization that i felt internally and i remind myself that i wanted to die.

then i hear the shuffling sound of my stereo changing discs.

so i open my eyes, brush my hair out of my face, and go in the kitchen for some left over pumpkin pie.

this ain't real baby...i've got a better excuse for myself
i'm always here
i'm always here
i'm always here
i'm always here

i am so smart, s-m-r-t

i can't believe miss vickie's chips have 15g of fat in them, how unfair. i loooove the honey and roasted garlic ones and it's just so saddening to know that instead of eating a bag of them i might as well go buy an industrial size pail of lard and eat it with an ice cream scoop.

ah well. i can't let it ruin this fantastic mood i'm in because after staring at nick's photoshop movie math for forever, i finally figured out the answer. i don't even care if i was the first to send it in. the fact is that i finally figured one of those fucking things and the victory lap around my apartment singing 'i am the bessssssst' is sufficiently satisfying. having said that, if i did win, i love presents and am fully willing to dish out my mailing address to a relative stranger in order to receive said presents.

in celebration of this personal victory, i give you monica, her holy hotness...

yowzaaa

somewhere around the world someone would love to have my first world problems

today is a full on bleh day.

first, it is pouring rain outside. normally i don't mind rain, however, there is some funny shit going on with the weather lately and it's pissing me off to no end. this past week has been between 22 and 26 degrees which is summer temperatures. it's not that i don't like summer temperatures- it's just that i have a closet full of gloriously fall coloured clothing that is collecting dust. on top of that, weatherman have been speculating that we might end up skipping fall weather altogether. in fact, they have stated that it's not unlikely that we'll go straight from beautiful summer weather and head right into crappy cold and raining november weather.

skip fall? how dare ye?

second, i have a cold. mark had a cold last week and he was making like it was the end of the world and so i stuffed him full of tylenol cold and flu and had him wash it down with buckley's. now this week rolls around, he's all chipper and healthy and i woke up retardedly congested this morning. of course, there's no cold medicine in the apartment because he took it all. okay, so, i really have nothing justifiable here...i'm mostly just pissed about the cold.

third and worst of all, there is no hot water in my building. when i went to have a shower yesterday, there was no fucking hot water. mark went down to the lobby to see if it was scheduled maintenace and apparently it is not. apparently the water boiler is broken and will take A WEEK to replace. A WEEK.

A WEEK.

i don't know what kind of shoemakers are working this joint, but under no circumstances should something as essential as water ever take A WEEK to be fixed and working properly. the best part is that my family is coming over for thanksgiving dinner on tuesday to witness me living like a sick pauper in all my glory.

k- i'm done bitching.

(for now)